


STAGES OF GRIEF

by teaandbiscuitsforme



Series: STAGES [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Rollercoaster, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Miscarriage, Modern Era, Panic Attacks, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self Harm, Unplanned Pregnancy, car crash, pregnancy loss, secret love kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27347038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teaandbiscuitsforme/pseuds/teaandbiscuitsforme
Summary: They say death brings you closer—and as much as Morgana loathed to admit it, it did seem to be the case. Yeah; they didn’t get on, everyone knew it too. But after the death of his best friend and parental responsibility, Merlin just finds that he may not be able to stay away even if we wants to.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Morgana (Merlin)
Series: STAGES [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913146
Comments: 7
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As per STAGES OF LOATHING, updates will be on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This is actually my favourite part of the series, even if it was rather hard to write. Hope you all enjoy & please review!
> 
> Trigger warning: miscarriage mentioned

**Grab my hand I’m drowning. I feel my heart pounding. Traumas, they surround me**

_7th May 2019_

For most of the time he had known her, Merlin hadn’t gotten on with Morgana. While they did date for just over three months, by the time he told her he loved her, a switch flipped and she turned on him, deciding to break up with him seeing as a past life had returned to them. Apparently it would only happen when you meet your soulmate and declare true love. Morgana—his soulmate? She tried to kill him several times and she accused him of trying to kill her (but _how_ was _he_ supposed to know she had a peanut allergy?).

From Merlin’s view, the past was in the past and nothing could change that. Nothing at all, they could only learn from their mistakes and move on into the future. While they did occasional talk (being the newbies that had just finished the PCGE. Mithian had finished hers ages ago), she often was frosty and would only talk to him about the work, whenever he tried to enquire about how she was she told him she was busy and left. 

Parents evening had been stressful. There was no denying it. And he would happily have had a drink or two but teaching teenagers was painful at the best of times—never mind being hungover. So he made sure to go to bed early instead—9:30 was the time that he had gotten home so it was almost ten by the time he had jumped into bed. As usual before bed he made sure to check his phone, having the bad habit of scrolling through Facebook and Instagram before he would go to sleep. Just as well, before he was about to turn the light off he had gotten a phone call. 

_Morgana Pendragon._

Merlin frowned. Why would she be calling him? She loathed him. And while he didn’t exactly loathe her, they weren’t on the best terms. She wouldn’t phone unless it was important so he cautiously accepted the call. 

“Is this Merlin Emrys?” They asked. It clearly _wasn’t_ Morgana. 

“Speaking” Merlin confirmed. “Is everything OK?”.

“Morgana has been involved in an accident, alongside her brother Arthur, sister-in-law Guinevere and nephew Amhar”.

“Shit” Merlin gasped. He put his phone onto speaker and chucked his phone onto the bed as he raced to his wardrobe and pulled out some jeans and a t-shirt. “Is everyone okay?”.

“It’s too early to say. Arthur and Guinevere are in critical condition, Morgana is being assessed for signs of concussions while Amhar seems rather well yet as he’s young we are keeping an eye on him”.

“Which hospital?” Merlin asked. 

“Avalon city”.

“Shit” Merlin swore. While the northern plains hospital was closer, it was less high tech and they often would be transferred to Avalon hospital in severe conditions as it was more advanced. This couldn’t be good. “I’ll be there in around an hour as I live in the Northern Plains”.

“Okay” the nurse said. Merlin could hear Morgana shout in the background “OH FOR FUCKS SAKE NOT FUCKING _MERLIN_ ”.

“Thank you” Merlin sighed. “If you could text me the ward numbers etcetera that would be tremendous”.

“Why is Merlin coming why not Morgause?! For fucks sake” he heard Morgana screeching over the phone.

“Morgana” the nurse said calmly. “Morgause was snoring when she picked up”. They then hung up and Merlin got into his car and drove off. 

* * *

Morgana was absolutely fed up. She had been having trouble sleeping for the past few days, ever since the expedition. She knew why she was having trouble sleeping—a combination of never ending nausea from the tiny poppy seed sized sprog inside of her coupled with nightmares. She had no idea why she agreed to a friends with benefits arrangement with Alvarr—she had just found out that she was pregnant the day before and ended up spending most of the parents evening hiding a bucket between her legs as she tried to not vomit—rather hard given that some of the pupils were still wearing their sports kit. Arthur and Gwen’s bickering didn’t help either, she tried to focus on her phone yet found that she couldn’t focus no matter what as she felt bile rising in her throat. She finally began to pay attention when there was a loud crash, she made sure to get herself and the baby out of the car and ran to safety, she remembered hearing a loud bang and seeing orange flames and trying to protect the babies—her own and Amhar yet she succumbed to the darkness. 

By the time she woke up she had a shattering headache, the blinding lights above her didn’t help in any way, felt almost as bad as she had when Merlin stabbed her those years ago and felt as though her insides had turned to mush. The world seemed to spin around her and she could barely keep her eyes open, _barely_. 

Some nurse seemed to be on the to phone to _Mer_ lin, the prick. 

“Ah! You’re awake” the nurse smiled. “I’m Sophie, I’ll be looking after you, how do you feel?”.

Morgana gagged and covered her mouth, Sophie reacted fast and quickly got a bowl in time. “My baby. I need to check my baby”.

“The baby’s fine” Sophie reassured her with a smile. “He’s in the children’s A&E and is doing great. Babbling, smiling”.

“No” Morgana shouted. “Not him. My baby. I’m pregnant. I’m _pregnant_ ”.

“Oh” Sophie’s face fell. “Okay, well we’ll go see what we shall do. Likely to do a urine test and we’ll see if we can do an MRI to check for signs of concussion”.

“Please” Morgana pleaded. “Just make sure the baby is OK”. 

“I’ll talk to my colleagues and see what happens” Sophie smiled as she left the bed bay. She returned and explained the plan to her, that they would take a pregnancy test and take some blood tests to check the HCG levels. While her pregnancy test that she had taken the day before had a strong line, the line was still there yet quite a lot fainter. _There_ , but fainter all the same. At that stage HCG levels were _supposed_ to double everyday. Morgana tried not to cry as the nurse took her blood, wincing at the pain in her arm, her stomach and her heart. She had asked about Arthur and Gwen. Yet they wouldn’t give her an answer. Not until after they had done the blood tests. Morgause eventually answered her phone and rushed over too, her and Merlin walking around the “minors” until they found Morgana’s bed. 

“Sister!” Morgause asked. “Are you okay?”.

Morgana shook her head and put her face in the bowl. “No. I feel terrible”.

“Any tests been done?” Morgause asked. Morgana shook her head. The curtain opened and Sophie walked in. 

“Are you all family?” Sophie asked. 

“Shes my sister” Morgause said. “He’s a... _friend’”._

“Okay, in that case as he isn’t family I’m going to have to ask him to leave” Sophie said, glaring at Merlin until he left the bed bay. She closed the curtains and went over to Morgana. “I’m sorry to inform you, that Arthur and Guinevere have died”.

“No” Morgana gasped as she clutched at her stomach. Her big brother. He couldn’t be gone. He just couldn’t. Arthur. Gwen. How?

“What!” Morgause gasped. 

“I’m sorry” Sophie said. “Morgause, could you come with me to see Amhar? He’ll need an adult and Merlin isn’t a family member”. Morgause nodded and followed Sophie as she lead her to the children’s A&E. 

“Please tell me it isn’t true” Merlin cried. “Please tell me it isn’t fucking true”. 

Morgana looked down to hide the tears as she nodded. 

“No” Merlin gasped as he embraced Morgana. In that moment, they weren’t enemies. They weren’t Miss Pendragon and Mr Emrys who would shoot each other dirty looks during assembly or refectory duty. 

“Move” Morgana grunted as she pushed him away. “You stink”.

“Sorry” Merlin replied sarcastically, as Sophie returned. 

“Morgana, are you feeling okay?” Sophie checked. 

“Just this headache and stomach pain” Morgana replied as she lay back down. “It’s _agony_ ”. 

“Stomach pain?” Sophie frowned. “On a scale of one to ten, how bad is it?”. 

“Eleven” Morgana moaned. 

“I’ll see what I can do” she looked down to see Morgana had seeped through her trousers. Given that they were white, the blood was obvious. “I’ll get you some sanitary pads and see what the early pregnancy consultant says”.

Morgana hid her face and began to cry for the child she lost. She had only found out last week that she was pregnant yet even so, the moment a mother finds out that they are pregnant they begin to plan every detail of their child’s life. What they’ll name their child, how the child will grow up. Not just having a baby, having a toddler that grows up to that moody teenager. The biggest _what if_. Sophie ushered Merlin out while she helped Morgana put the sanitary towels on. Morgana had heard enough horror stories, knew enough about Gwen’s miscarriages to know. She had probably lost the baby. Sophie told her that she would have to have another pregnancy test later to confirm, yet after talking to the consultant she probably had lost the baby. 

“You’re pregnant?” Merlin gasped as he re-entered the bed bay. 

“Shut up, _Mer_ lin” Morgana hissed as she closed her eyes and hid under the blanket. “And no, probably not anymore”.

“I’m sorry” Merlin said. “I truly am”.

“Why are you here? Just _leave_ ”.

“I’m staying here. I’m going to be here for you, no matter what. We can get through this, together”.

“I need some ibuprofen, off you go” she waved him off. 

* * *

Amhar was admitted to the children’s ward overnight, while he did seem OK, given that he had diaphragm problems at birth and was so young they wanted to keep him in overnight. Morgause had to stay with him given that she was family, while Morgana was sent for an MRI to rule out concussions seeing as she had the symptoms—although ironically concussion symptoms and pregnancy symptoms were _rather_ similar. Merlin waited and paced the cubicle as he waited for Morgana to return, hoping everything to be okay. Arthur and Gwen had made it clear that if anything were to happen to them that both Merlin and Morgana would raise the baby together, living in their house. They knew that they had a rocky relationship, yet both Merlin and Morgana reluctantly agreed given it was Arthur and Gwen’s dying wishes. 

Merlin held Morgana while they mourned their losses, staying at the hospital overnight as they confirmed the news and awaited the MRI given that A&E had no set visiting hours, while the children’s ward was 8am-8pm. He knew that they would make it through this, they just had to. They’d come too far to go back. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning — miscarriage
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own merlin, only the kids, hospital, school and plot

**Your best intentions may not be enough. I wonder if we’re ever gonna get home tonight**

_8th May 2019_

Morgana woke up in the morning to someone shoving a stick underneath her tongue and feeling some band tightening around her arm. She scowled as she felt whoever it was do this, _and_ they left the lights on too. With some loud machine. Oh wait ... she looked around—an A&E cubicle. Merlin was asleep in the chair, snoring like the _pig_ he was. Morgana grunted in protest, that stupid stick was still in her mouth. 

“Just checking your vitals” Sophie whispered with a smile. “How are you feeling”.

“Sick” Morgana replied, as Sophie ran to get a bowl and Merlin woke up. 

“Looks like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed” Merlin joked. 

“Oi!” Morgana protested. “I’ll have you know I was in a car crash yesterday”. She winced and grabbed at her stomach once more. 

“Does it hurt?” Merlin asked. Morgana nodded. “Shuffle over then”.

“Why?” Morgana asked with a frown as Merlin put one side down so he could get on the bed. 

“Is this okay?” Merlin asked as he rubbed her stomach. 

Morgana nodded and lay against the bed, now slightly upright. Sophie quickly returned with pain meds, asking Morgana what she wanted for breakfast. 

“You should get something” she told Merlin. 

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” Merlin asked with a frown. 

“I’m in a hospital” Morgana raised her eyebrows. “I’ll be fine”.

Merlin left and Sophie returned with the early pregnancy consultant. 

“And would you say you’ve had, any clots?” The consultant asked. 

Morgana nodded as she looked down. 

“We’ll do some more bloods and see what happens then. I’m sorry”. He left the room leaving Sophie with Morgana. 

“On a good note” Sophie said as she turned around to give Morgana privacy as she changed. “The MRI came back clear. So hopefully we can get you released sooner in that case”.

Morgana solemnly nodded as she got back in bed. “What about my miscarriage?”.

“Well, I suppose that you just need to keep an eye on things and see how it is. We’re likely to keep you in slightly longer as you have other complications what with the pregnancy and all. I’ll go get those bloods sorted”.

The HCG levels remained the same as yesterday, yet at Morgana’s stage they were supposed to double every day so it didn’t look good. Merlin was there as Morgana heard the news and he held her as she cried. They sat there for hours on end, in each other’s embrace. Morgana left her breakfast on the tray, not wanting to eat. How could she want to eat? Her brother and sister-in-law were dead, she had just lost a baby and despite that “morning sickness” still seemed to remain. The doctor had signed her off work for two weeks and Morgause popped around with Amhar for a short visit. Given that he was a baby they decided to keep him in for another night (alongside Morgana) before releasing them. Morgana had sent Merlin home that night, not that he _could_ sleep. He simply had too much going on. 

* * *

Nimeuh was rather unsure on how to prepare herself for the emergency assembly. Normally it wouldn’t be until the afternoon yet today it would have to be in the morning. She had just had a lengthy phone call with Morgause who had just given her the news. Nimeuh knew that she looked a mess. Mascara running down her pale face, eyes bloodshot and her nose was like Rudolph’s. 

“It’s terrible, isn’t it?” Geoffrey sighed as he walked in. 

“It is” Nimeuh agreed. “Yesterday we were talking to them like normal. And now they’re gone”.

“Did Morgause say about Morgana and the baby?”.

“Morgana has a concussion so they’re keeping her in a bit longer and doctors have signed her off work for two weeks. The baby is doing fine but because of his birth problems they’re keeping him in”.

Geoffrey nodded and looked down. “I can’t believe it”.

“Me neither” Nimeuh agreed. 

At first many of the students rejoiced at having first period cancelled. Even if there was some strange rumours going around about Mr Pendragon and Mrs Smith. 

“I heard” Lucy insisted. “That Mrs Smith tried to kill Mr Pendragon cause he had a secret love child”.

“Really?” Harriet frowned. “With who?”.

“His ex girlfriend” Lucy replied. 

“Apparently Mrs Smith had an affair with Mr DuLac”.

“Can’t say i blame her” Lucy shrugged. 

“She’s married to Mr Pendragon!” Harriet exclaimed. “And _he_ is fit. Even with a beard”.

The bell rang hushing everyone into silence, Mr Amata saying “stand” which everyone did as Nimeuh and Geoffrey walked in. 

“Good morning” Nimeuh greeted. “No hymns, so you may sit”. A sigh of relief echoed around the students. 

“You might be wondering why we are having an assembly right now. Unfortunately I have conducted this assembly as an emergency assembly”. Niemueh stopped and took a long breath. 

“Last night, Mr Pendragon, Mrs Smith, Miss Pendragon, and Mr Pendragon and Mrs Smith’s son Amhar were involved in a serious car accident”.

Gasps echoed around the hall. How? Just yesterday they were there and normal, now they weren’t. 

“I regret to inform you” Nimeuh continued. “That Mr Pendragon and Mrs Smith have sadly passed away”.

“NO!” One of the students screamed. Nimeuh watched sympathetically as teachers around the hall tried to calm down some of their students. Mrs Smith and Mr Pendragon had been popular teachers and there was no denying that. 

“Miss Pendragon is currently in hospital and will be returning in two weeks time. The baby is fine too”.

A brief sigh of relief was heard. Yet only brief. 

“If anybody wishes to have a chat, my office doors are open. If you feel like it is too much for you to be in a certain lesson, that is okay, just please let your teacher know and you’ll go to reception. If you have parental permission, you can go home if you wish” Nimeuh sighed one more. “Can you stand please”. Everybody remained in silence watching as the woman clad in black retreated from the hall. 

“How are they dead?” Harriet cried. “Just _how_?”.

“Well that was a bit of a fucking shock” Lucy remarked. 

“You don’t say” Harriet agreed. “Fucking hell. And here I was thinking today couldn’t get any worse”.

“I haven’t seen Mr Emrys” Lucy remarked. “Wonder where he is”.

“Probably at the hospital with Miss Pendragon” Harriet shrugged. 

“They _hate_ each other” Lucy pointed out. 

“I know” Harriet agreed. “Well, not much they can do. I’m going to go home”.

“And abandon me?” Lucy scoffed. 

“You’ll live” Harriet shrugged. “I’m sure your mum’ll let you”.

“Once I tell her the circumstances I’m sure” Lucy agreed. “Fucking hell”.

* * *

_9th May 2019_

While Morgause stayed overnight in the paediatric ward in a pull down bed next to Amhar’s cot, Morgana had been moved to the Medical Assessment Unit, and given that it had specific visiting hours which couldn’t be broken unless in critical times, Merlin could only head over in the afternoon. Not that Morgana cared, she just wanted to be left alone with the curtains around her as she was left with her thoughts. 

Amhar was sent for an MRI under sedation. Merlin wasn’t allowed to go as he was not a parent and had to remain in the parents room of the hospital with a cup of tea while he FaceTimed Morgana (and she left him on pause, doing no one knows what). Amhar quickly came around from his sedation and happily sat up and played with the toys, chewing on many of them seeing as he was (probably) teething again. Merlin and Morgause shot each other worried looks yet the baby’s MRI came back clear and he was soon released. While at first Merlin headed to the MAU without Morgause, she soon came over with the baby. 

“So we’re supposed to take him home?” Morgause asked as she raised as eyebrow at the baby in Merlin’s lap. “Well, not me. But you lot”.

“We’ll need a car seat” Morgana sighed. 

“I’ll go pick one up from Argos” Morgause shrugged. “Anyway I’m heading to the mortuary later to sort that stuff out”.

“What about me?” Morgana frowned. 

“What _about_ you?” Morgause retorted. 

“Cant I come?”.

“No” Morgause decided. “You were bad enough when dad died, fainting and throwing up all over the place. It’s for the best”.

“She’s right” Merlin added. “From what I heard anyway, it’s _terrible_. Arthur’s my best friend and I’m not going to go”.

“Leave it to me” Morgause winked. “I can handle this stuff. Anyway, I need to click and collect on a car seat seeing as Argos is only five minutes away and it’s the law. Apparently you can’t use a car seat after it’s been in a crash. A bit of help, please”.

They all loaded up the car seat selection on the website and began to scroll. 

“Aha!” Morgause declared as she clicked on the cheap test thing she found. “Plastic car seat group 2/3, £9”.

“Amhar looks a bit, well” Merlin grimaced. “Young for that”.

“Won’t he still need a baby one anyway?” Morgana frowned. 

“It’s cheap, it’ll do” Morgause shrugged. 

“No it won’t” Morgana snorted as she read the description. “Ages four plus. Keep looking”.

“Come on, we have to get this one” Morgause insisted. “It’s a superman one”.

“Morgause, he’s seven months old” Merlin exclaimed. “It’s four plus anyway”.

“It’s a _superman_ one” Morgause declared. 

“He is _seven months old_ ” Morgana scowled. “ _Keep looking_ ”.

“Ooh! This one!” Morgause declared at a frozen booster. 

“He” Morgana screeched. “Is _not_ having a frozen booster!”.

“I’ll leave the parenting to you two then” Morgause decided as she leant into her chair and passed Morgana her phone. “You decide”.

Merlin and Morgana seemed rather good at their parenting thing so far, choosing a Maxi Cosi Citi and making Morgause go pick it up. The doctor decided that Morgana was well enough to be released and once Morgause returned with the car seat and wished Merlin and Morgana luck before going over to the mortuary and bereavement area. Merlin took Morgana’s bag while Morgana carried the baby and went towards the car. 

Morgana looked around painfully. Pregnant women holding onto their bumps as they beamed and left the hospital, new mothers cradling their newborn child as they carried the car seat out of the hospital. Granted, she was carrying the car seat out of the hospital but it wasn’t _her_ baby. Her baby was gone. Gone. Forever. 

She began to feel overwhelmed and set Amhar down and threw up into the bushes, Merlin awkwardly patting her back and rummaging through her bag for some tissues and some water. 

“Do you think you should go back in?” Merlin asked with a frown. 

“I’m fine” Morgana insisted as she looked away from him and back in the direction of the maternity unit. “Come on then, let’s go”.

The quickly found Merlin’s car only to be met with an array of problems. Merlin had a car parked close either side of him so had to temporarily move to the parent and child spaces so that they could open the door wide enough to get the car seat in. Then neither of them could figure out how to install the car seat while some other parents stood grimacing at them as they easily slotted their Bugaboo or Mesa’s into the isofix base while Merlin and Morgana swore at each other. After twenty minutes of arguing, several videos and a meltdown from Amhar later they had finally gotten onto the A48 as they went back to the house. 

Given that she was Arthur’s sister, Morgana already had a key and they planned to have another one cut for Merlin. Entering the house was strange. Everything was how it should be, yet it felt strange with no Arthur or Gwen. 

* * *

Morgause sighed as she _finally_ found the bereavement centre. Seeing as everything in the hospital was connected (unlike the Northern Plains hospital) she thought it wouldn’t be too hard to find it. Except it turned out that it could only be accessed from outdoors, so she had to trudge around to the right entrance at the back of the hospital (after she drove, of course. She wasn’t going to walk all the way back to the main car park). 

She made her way up the front desk and leant on it waiting for the receptionist to answer. 

“Hi, how can I help?”.

“Sister of Arthur and Gwen Pendragon”. 

“The doctor will be with you shortly”.

Morgause was taken into a bereavement suite and given a talking over by the doctor. After the crash, Gwen and Arthur had grave and life limiting injuries that may have been cured yet they were unsure. After the car blew up in flames, they died immediately and were pronounced dead on the scene of the crash. Morgause decided to see their bodies and was horrified by what she saw. 

While before she had seen bodies after death—Gorlois, her stepmother—none were as bad as these. Arthur and Gwen had grave injuries before the car blew up, let alone after. Morgause briefly viewed them before talking with the coroner and beginning to register the death. There are some things in life that you just know you have to do—burying a parent, breaking up with someone. Burying Arthur and Gwen wasn’t on Morgause’s list. 

* * *

“Traffic again” Merlin sighed. The A48 _always_ had traffic. The red traffic lights flashed, police sirens blared. Another car crash, it appeared. 

“Do you think we’ll ever get home?” Morgana asked as she unclipped her seatbelt. It was digging into her stomach which only intensified the pain. 

“We will” Merlin replied. “Eventually. Things are rocky right now, but one day it’ll be okay”.

“Pull over” Morgana grunted. “I feel sick and I think I need to change my pad”.

Blood. River and rivers of blood. The blood wouldn’t stop. Neither would the pain. In the lay-by on the side of the road Morgana had _never_ felt so _humiliated_. Her ex boyfriend had to look after her while she had a miscarriage with her new boyfriend, who she decided she now hated seeing as _he_ got her knocked up. But she wanted the baby, she did. She knew it inevitable yet nothing could prepare her for that moment. She collapsed into Merlin‘s arms as she sobbed. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Telling Arthur’s kids

**Nothing grows, when a house ain’t a home**

_10th May 2019_

“Okay, are you _sure_ you’ll be okay with Amhar all day?” Merlin checked. 

“I’ll be fine” Morgana reassured him. “He’s a baby. What could go wrong?”.

“Ga” Amhar giggled as he tried to pull himself up and fell down. “Ga” he giggled as he repeated it again. 

“You sure?” Merlin checked. 

“I’m fine” Morgana replied as she jabbed away at her phone. “Nothings wrong”.

“Hmm” Merlin mused. “Except, you know”.

“I’ll be fine. It is _one day_ ” Morgana repeated. “Anyway. Off to work you go”.

“Study leave begins today for the fifth form” Merlin said. 

“I know”. 

Merlin grabbed his work bag, rolled his eyes and told her to “take care” before he set off to work. 

Morgana rolled her eyes at him. She saw Amhar happily playing and amusing himself and checked the time. Only seven thirty. She’d have to tell Elaine and Dylan (and of course the twins) yet she just didn’t know how to. The hospital had given her Arthur’s phone and she already knew his password so quickly unlocked it and wondered who to phone first. She quickly chose Elaine. 

“Arthur” Elaine greeted haughtily. “To what do I owe this _pleasure?”._

“Is this Elaine, mother of Gideon and Leon speaking?” Morgana asked. 

“Yes it is. Who are you—oh wait! Morgana is that you”.

“It is” Morgana replied. 

“Is everything okay?” Elaine asked. 

“I’m sorry to bother you, but I think you and the boys need to come over to Arthur’s as soon as possible”.

“Of course” Elaine replied. “Is everything okay?”.

“Just get here as quickly as you can please” Morgana sighed. “It’s serious”.

“Of course. I need to wake the boys but I’ll be my fastest. How serious exactly?”.

“I’ll talk to you first before I tell the boys” Morgana decided. “But it needs to be in person. We’re talking they’ll probably need the day of school serious”.

“Fucking hell” Elaine gasped. “I’ll be over in twenty. Thank you”. Morgana hung up and phoned Dylan. 

“Hey dad, I was wondering why you weren’t returning my texts” Dylan greeted. 

“It’s me, Morgana. Can you come over to Arthur’s”.

“I was actually already on my way” Dylan clarified. “I was getting worried seeing as he wasn’t responding”.

“How far are you?”. 

“A few minutes. I’ll see you there”.

When Morgana greeted Dylan at the door she felt rather dishevelled in comparison to him. With the baby on her hip chewing on her pyjama top, a hot water bottle clutched to her stomach, her hair up in a messy ponytail and with her eye bags, Morgana knew she looked a mess. 

“Is everything okay?” Dylan asked with a frown as he followed Morgana to the living too. 

“Take a seat” Morgana sighed watching as Dylan sat down. 

“Where’s dad?”.

“I’m sorry Dylan” Morgana whispered as tears welled in her eyes once more. “You father passed away”.

“What?!” Dylan gasped as he broke into sobs. “When? How? Why?”.

“We were involved in a car crash” Morgana explained as she sat next to him on the sofa. “It was serious. Arthur didn’t make it”.

“But ... how” Dylan sobbed. “How did it happen?”.

“I don’t know” Morgana whispered. “One minute we were driving the next we ... crashed. Amhar and I escaped ... just, just in time”.

“How can dad be gone” Dylan sobbed. “Just how?”.

“Is it okay if I hug you?” Morgana asked. Dylan nodded and she leant in to hug her nephew, balancing the baby on her lap as he continued to chew at her pyjamas top. “What is that smell, can you smell that?”.

“I had coffee and bacon” Dylan replied as he looked at Morgana weirdly. 

“Here, take the baby” Morgana thrust Amhar into his half brother’s arm. “That stinks, I’m gunna be sick”. Morgana ran off in the direction of the nearest bathroom, Dylan looking confusedly around as he waited for her to return. She did quickly, pale faced and took the baby back. “Sorry about that”. 

“It’s okay” Dylan sighed. “When did it ... it happen?”. 

“If it’s okay” Morgana said, “can we wait for the twins and their mother to get here”.

Dylan nodded and looked down solemnly. “I’ll have to notify my uni so I can arrange leave”.

“Of course” Morgana nodded. The doorbell rang about twenty minutes later with a frazzled looking Elaine and the twins at the door. 

“Sorry boys” Morgana smiled slightly sympathetically. “I need to talk to your mother first”. 

“We’ll let you in later” Elaine shrugged. “Not like you’re going to freeze to death out there, it’s May”. 

“It’s raining” Gideon protested. 

“You have a coat” Elaine shrugged as she walked into the house. “Look babes, you look like death warmed up why don’t you go take a nap or something, I’ll look after the baby”.

“There’s something I need to tell you” Morgana said as she went to the living room. “You might want to sit down”.

“I _think_ I know, but what is it?”.

“Arthur’s dead” Morgana sighed. 

“Oh” Elaine’s forehead creased. “I’ll go get the boys. Also sorry, but I have a _really dark_ sense of humour. In case you haven’t figured that out yet”.

“You don’t say” Dylan remarked under his breath. 

With all of Arthur’s sons in the room, Morgana went over the details. The car crash had happened on Tuesday and now it was Friday, they didn’t have Arthur’s phone before then and were sorting everything out. Dylan decided that he wanted to stay all day, and Elaine and the twins also stayed all day. Babies are one of those things that can bring joy during hard times like these, so everyone passed Amhar around. 

Morgana didn’t want to be near the baby. She knew she would have to eventually given that she was raising it, yet explained (after getting sick a few more times) that she was feeling unwell and so went to bed and curled up under the covers. She didn’t want to be around him for now. Not when she had _just_ lost her own. She had only found out last week, the online pregnancy calculator said that she was around six weeks yet even so it still hurt. Physically. Grieving the loss of her brother and sister-in-law on top of that didn’t help. 

Morgana looked in the bedside draw on Gwen’s side. A diary of some sort. She knew that she probably shouldn’t be looking yet needed something to distract herself and opened it up. 

_15th March 2016_   
_I have just found out that I am pregnant! And we’ve been only trying for a month! This is amazing!_

_27th May 2016_   
_Maybe not. I went to the scan today and there was no heartbeat. They gave me some medication in order to move things along quickly. How did this happen? Why? Just why._

_5th September 2016_   
_Arthur and I have started at Camelot grammar as of today. And this morning I found out I’m pregnant! Not had any symptoms except my period being late but wow!_

_30th September 2016_   
_It’s happening again. The pain. The blood. Why was there so much blood? Why did this have to happen. Why?_

_27th May 2017_   
_Exactly one year after my first miscarriage, I have found out that I am pregnant again. Am I scared? Yes! Am I excited? Yes!_

_8th July 2017_   
_The sac was empty. The baby didn’t even develop properly. Why does this keep happening to me?!_

_15th October 2017_   
_And I’m pregnant again. I don’t know who the father is—Arthur or Lancelot. I just hope for Arthur’s sake it doesn’t stick—I just can’t have Lancelot’s kid._

_15th December 2017_   
_I have never been so relieved in my life. No heartbeat. Anyhoo back to trying for Arthur and I. I know it’s the modern ages so there’s treatment but I just want Arthur and I to become parents! Is it too much to ask? :(_

_23rd January 2018_   
_I’m pregnant again. I told Arthur. He didn’t know what to do/say. I told Morgana except she went back to sleep like an idiot. I’m all alone in this I suppose_

_9th March 2018_   
_There’s a heartbeat! Baby Pendragon is on the way. Thank God!_

_25th May 2018_   
_Turns out baby needs surgery once it’s born. NICU stay etc. But that’s okay, he’ll be OK. It’s a boy! I knew it! Also he’s big and I’m having a c-section_

_13th September 2018_   
_Baby boy is here and perfect! I’ve not yet seen him but I’m so in love with him. Please let him be okay_

_22nd September 2018_   
_Surgery day_   
_Update; baby okay!_

Morgana didn’t bother to stop her tears. Gwen seemed so strong on the outside when dealing with all this—yet she too was only human. Unable to deal with the miscarriage too. Morgana felt slightly better in the knowledge that she wasn’t alone. Statistically one in four pregnancies ended in miscarriage—many before the woman even _knew_ she was pregnant—so why was it still so taboo? 

She continued to go through the pages. Endless quotes on baby loss. 

“ ** _This one little angel has slipped away”._**

** _“You didn’t stay for long, yet in those precious weeks you changed me forever”._ **

** _“You are rooted deep within my soul. A part of me forever. In the deepest part of my heart ... there you are”_ **

** _“A star falls from the sky and into your hands. Then it seeps inside your veins and swims through your blood and becomes every part of you. And then you have to put it back into the sky. And it’s the most painful thing you’ll have to do and that you’ve ever done. But what’s yours is yours. Whether it’s up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, it’ll fall from the sky and hit you in the head and that time, you won’t have to put it back in the sky again”._ **

_**“I didn’t get to meet you. I didn’t get to see you. All I had were two simple lines. And they meant the world to me”.** _

And that’s what hurt. She didn’t even get to see the baby. She only had those two lines on the stick. The two lines that meant _everything_ to her. The endless morning sickness that still hadn’t passed. The constant tiredness yet being unable to sleep. The hunger that made the morning sickness worse yet if she ate she’d get sicker, if she didn’t eat again. 

She heard a knock on the door, Elaine walking in carrying Amhar and using her chin to prop up his bottle. “I’ve made lunch” she sympathetically smiled. 

“Lunch already?” Morgana frowned as she sat up. She blearily rubbed her eyes as she looked around. “Sorry, it’s been a rough few days”. 

“I know” Elaine smiled. “But this little guy here has made it worthwhile”. Amhar sat up quickly and threw his bottle across the room, letting out a shriek and pointing towards Morgana. “Apologies, but it’s been a while since the boys were on formula”.

“Don’t worry about it” Morgana replied as she took Amhar. 

“I’m going to take the boys home after lunch, if that’s okay?”.

“Yeah of course it is. But thank you for everything”.

“Don’t mention it. That’s what friends are for” Elaine smiled. 

* * *

When he returned from work Merlin was rather surprised to find that Morgana was no where to be seen. He looked around the living room, Amhar was happily bouncing up and down in the jumperoo as he babbled away to himself, there was some teenager stretched out on the sofa watching the TV. 

“Who _the hell_ are you?” Merlin asked. 

“Dylan” He replied, shaking his hand and keeping an eye on the TV. “Arthur’s eldest son”.

“ _Eldest_ son?” Merlin gasped. “I know you. You’re that teenager from the magic horse”.

“Well done” Dylan congratulated him. “Now apologies but that baby seems to need a bottle of milk, yet I have no idea how to make one. I’ve given him some babyfood and he keeps looking at me weirdly”.

Merlin went over to the jumperoo and picked up a grinning Amhar. “I’ll get on with that then” Merlin muttered as he went to the kitchen. 

Morgana knew that the kitchen would never be tidy. After all, it was Merlin she had to share it with. She wasn’t planning to leave her room except she heard someone shout “NO!” And the baby crying so ran downstairs. 

Merlin still dressed in his work suit was covered in white stuff. The floor again, covered in white stuff. The counter top, again covered in the white stuff. 

“What happened?!” Dylan exclaimed. 

“What happened?” Merlin retorted. “I can’t make this sodding formula, that’s what happened”.

“Is baby milk really that hard to make?” Dylan laughed. 

“You try it then” Merlin barked. He passed a wailing Amhar to Dylan and stormed off, leaving the powder on the floor. 

“I’m not cleaning that up” Morgana declared. “Come on. Pass the baby then”. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had wanted to address Gwen's miscarriages without making it the main focus, so I guess this is my way of addressing them


	4. Chapter 4

**Fuck the hurt, fuck the pain, fuck the panic, fuck the hate. I wanna feel every feeling in the book tonight**

_10th May 2019_

“And study leave has commenced” Merlin commented. 

“How’d it go?” Morgana asked. 

“Not too bad” Merlin replied. “Tad emotional for some of them, quite a few visited the memorial”. In the school reception there was a memorial for Arthur and Gwen—filled with flowers, letters from pupils and more. 

“I bet” Morgana sighed. “Especially what with Arthur and Gwen”.

“Hmm” Merlin mused. “How was your day?”.

“I spoke to Elaine—the twins mum and Dylan”.

“Dylan seemed nice” Merlin remarked. “I can’t believe Arthur had _three_ secret love kids”.

“I know” Morgana agreed. “Makes you wonder what else someone could be hiding”. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Merlin frowned. 

“Nothing” Morgana shrugged. “I will say though, it was rather emotional today. Especially given that these lot were my first gcse group the whole way through”.

“I know” Merlin agreed.

“Would’ve been nice to see them off” Morgana shrugged. 

“You’ll see them again” Merlin reassured her. “Not to mention, you’re ill”.

“I know” Morgana sighed. “But still”.

“Some things can’t be helped” Merlin shrugged. He kissed her forehead and sat next to her on the sofa. “What are we doing tomorrow?”.

“I’m going to get more of my stuff from the flat. Then I guess I’ll be renting it out. You?”.

“Extra income _does_ sound good” Merlin agreed. “Well, we should head to the estate agent tomorrow then”.

“Great” Morgana smiled. “You phone them. I’m already emotional enough with study leave today, I’ll just end up bawling down the phone”.

“Hormones” Merlin muttered jokingly. 

_12th May 2019_

“What _do_ babies need?” Morgana wondered as she scrolled through the baby website. 

“Pushchair” Merlin decided as he clicked on the pushchair area. “Let’s see, prams from birth?”.

“Why not” Morgana shrugged as she clicked on that area. “Shitting hell” her eyes widened at the price. “£1500 for a sodding pram!”.

“If I recall” Merlin smirked. “When you went baby shopping with Gwen, you kept trying to convince her to buy an uber-expensive bugaboop or whatever it’s called”.

“ _Bugaboo_ ” Morgana corrected. “Let’s see what brands they have ... Silver Cross ... Cybex ... ahah! Costa!”.

“That does not say Costa” Merlin replied with a grimace. “Cosatto”.

“Whatever you say” Morgana shook her head and rolled her eyes. “Okay, he’s an older baby so stroller or buggy not pram ... let’s see”.

“I FOUND THE ONE” Merlin screeched as he jumped up. “I FOUND THE ONE”.

“Shut up” Morgana hissed. “You’re going to wake the baby”.

“Okay, but this looks awesome” Merlin decided. “Cosatto Woosh dino-mighty. Perfect”.

“I. Am. Not” Morgana declared. “Going. To. Be. Seen. Dead. With. _That_ ”.

“What’s wrong with it?” Merlin frowned. “It’s great! Like Amhar’s being eaten by a dinosaur”.

Morgana frowned shook her head and rolled her eyes. “I’d love to see my nephew get eaten by a dinosaur. Maybe you next time”.

“Thanks” Merlin replied sarcastically. “Well, _I’ll_ buy that one, choose your own”.

“With pleasure” Morgana retorted. “Let’s see. Cosatto Supa Rev up okay I’m sold”.

“That was quick” Merlin remarked. “Okay, let’s see. New car seats? He _hated_ rear facing”. Whenever Merlin or Morgana would take Amhar out in the car, he would cry and kick the seat in protest. 

“He’ll need one seeing as he’s eight months tomorrow so can move forward facing” Morgana agreed. “Let’s see...not expensive and not cheap shit. Britax king for your car and Maxi Cosi tobi for me”.

“Why do _you_ get the tobi?” Merlin frowned. “ _I_ want the Maxi Cosi”. 

“And I” Morgana retorted. “Refuse to drive around with a king in the back of my car”.

“Fine” Merlin replied. 

“ _Fine_ ” Morgana retorted. “And I” she turned on her heel. “Am going to bed. So, be quiet when you come up!”.

“I thought you’d want me on the sofa?” Merlin frowned. 

“No. You’re staying in the bed. It’s not like we haven’t slept together before”.

“You’re not wrong” Merlin winked. 

“Merlin I’m having a miscarriage, I _am not_ in the mood for sex”. She stomped up the stairs and slammed the door, followed by a loud wail over the baby monitor. The baby had awoken. Amhar was stood up as tears rolled down the baby’s face, he stood up and clung to the cot bars as he jumped. 

“What’s wrong?” Merlin asked. He hung the blanket over the cot walls and took the babies downstairs. He set him down in his baby swing to make him his formula. Only ten? Seriously?

He began to boil the kettle while Amhar continued to cry in his swing kicking and banging his fists on the sides. 

“I know Amhar, I know” Merlin sighed as he stopped the kettle boiling. Should be fine, even though it didn’t _fully_ boil it was still warm. “Milk is almost ready”. He poured the water in the bottle and grabbed the formula box. He kept making faces at the baby as to not make him cry, aimlessly grabbing the scoop and dropping the powder into the water. 

“I think that’s enough” Merlin said to nobody in particular and he put the test on and begun to shake it. He quickly closed the tub of formula and left the bottle on the counter, turning around to get Amhar out his highchair. 

“You want some milk, huh?” Merlin smiled at the baby as he grabbed the bottle. Amhar leant out of Merlin’s arms as he hungrily went towards his bottle surprising Merlin as he backed into the counter—leaving a rather large pile of white powder. 

“You stink of baby milk” Morgana murmured as Merlin climbed into bed. 

“Don’t ask” Merlin sighed. “Also, Amhar won’t be able to have his morning milk as I might have spilt the sodding formula powder everywhere again”.

“You _idiot_ ” Morgana exclaimed still with her eyes closed. “And I thought that sending him back to nursery tomorrow would be a piece of cake”. 

“I know, I’m an idiot” Merlin agreed. “Night. I’ll get more formula tomorrow”.

“The follow-on one” Morgana reminded him. “He’s not a newborn”.

“I know. Get some sleep” Merlin murmured. 

* * *

_13th May 2019_

Driving along the A48. It would never get “better”. No matter what they told her, it just _wouldn’t_. Speeding along the road. Arthur and Gwen begin to argue. Amhar begins to whine. He _hated_ the car. _Hated_ it. Wanted to look forwards like everybody else. Arthur and Gwen got louder. Gwen knew about Dylan and the twins. 

“Oh you want to know what fucking hurts?” Arthur retorted. “I’m supposed to have a daughter but I don’t cause Sophia _killed herself_ and the baby went too”.  
 _The loud bang_  
 _Gwen screaming Arthur. Arthur’s scream._  
 _Escaping with the car seat._

Blood. Nothing but blood and blood. Endless amounts of blood which kept on flowing and flowing. Never ending, like a tap that hadn’t been switched off. Drip. Drip. Drip. 

  
Morgana gasped as she sat up and grabbed the blanket for comfort. 

“Morgana” Merlin called as he tried to calm the inconsolable woman. “It’s okay. Don’t cry”.

“It isn’t okay” Morgana hissed. “This will _never_ get better. Ever. I don’t know why you thought we could do this“.

“It’s because we can do this” Merlin replied as he tilted her chin up. She looked at him with pure and utter fear as the tears streamed down her face. Merlin leant in to kiss her with his lips meeting hers. 

“What the fuck, Merlin?” Morgana whispered. 

“Morgana, I” Merlin _tried_ to explain himself. Yet he just couldn’t. 

“Get out” Morgana hissed. 

Merlin was having a very bad Monday the 13th which was strange given that the unlucky day was supposed to be the Friday not Monday. Amhar had no formula and wanted Morgana so was grumpy at being woken up, hated rear facing in the car and then decided he didn’t want to go to nursery and clung to Merlin as he attempted to hand him over to his key worker. 

During his lunch break Merlin sought out Mithian and explained the situation to him. Morgana and his kiss. Amhar’s situation. The adoption problems which were still undergoing. While Mithian and Merlin hadn’t been the closest before, Mithian soon found herself to be a regular on their house. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to work, sixth form prank day and some confusion

**There are days when the world gets heavy, sleepless nights I’ve had way too many**

_17th May 2019_

Morgana sighed as she looked into the mirror. Make up time. Time to not look half dead as she tended to most of the time these days. She put some foundation onto the brush and smeared it over her face, bashing with the sponge afterwards to blend everything in. Followed by the concealer under her eyes. Mascara (waterproof, of course!). She put her blazer on and tied her hair back as she looked in the mirror. On the surface it was all looking good yet behind the facade she was breaking. 

She grabbed the car keys and bag slinging it over her shoulder, went to the baby’s room and took Amhar out of his cot. Today was the sixth form’s last day—prank day—so Merlin had gone in early to make sure nothing too disastrous would happen. Amhar smiled happily at her and kept on babbling away, not crying as she strapped him into his car seat seeing as now he was forward facing he _loved_ being in the car. She quickly drove along to the nursery and briefly spoke to Amhar’s key worker and handed the baby over who happily went on the floor and began to crawl towards another baby. 

As she tried to hold back her tears and race out of the nursery (avoiding stepping on crawling babies!) she was slightly surprised at finding a hand resting on her shoulder. 

“Are you okay?” She turned around to see a nice blonde sunny woman with her hair in a ponytail and wearing glasses. “I’m Kara, Kara Daxam. My son Noah’s in the baby room too and I noticed you looked rather upset. Is everything okay?”.

“I’m Amhar’s aunt—well mother now I suppose. My brother Arthur and sister-in-law Gwen died two weeks ago in a car crash”.

“Oh Rao!” Kara gasped. “I’m so sorry. That’s terrible” she smiled sympathetically at her. “You seem to be doing really well though, Amhar’s a sweetie”. 

“I’m surprised at how well he’s settled” Morgana agreed. “I mean I had to take two weeks of work while this little guy went straight back in”.

“Yeah, I saw your partner I believe dropping him of a few times—Merlin?”.

“He’s not my partner” Morgana scoffed. “We’re just raising him together as per Arthur and Gwen’s wishes”.

“Hm” Kara smirked. “Anyway I have to get off to work. I’m a reporter. What do you do?”.

“Teaching” Morgana replied. “Although today is sixth form prank day so I’d better head off. See you around?”.

“I remember that” Kara smiled. “And you certainly will”.

Morgana rolled her eyes as soon as she arrived at work. There were many cars that _weren’t_ the staff ones, parked weirdly all over the car park. Bloody sixth formers. She headed over to the staff room to see what was going on—quite a few photos of Nimeuh and Geoffrey’s faces photoshopped onto Peppa pig characters, some rooms covered in toilet paper, others with tea bags and balloons, some with fake mice. Morgana mentally thanked herself for locking her room last night, so that way she wouldn’t have any of the monstrosity that other teachers had to endure. At least no one had done anything to the memorial. She briefly smirked as a frazzled Merlin limped into the room. 

“What happened?” Morgana smirked. 

“Sixth formers slipped on silly string and had a scooter crash” Merlin replied with a grimace as he sat down. “How are you?”. 

“Not too bad” Morgana replied as the bell rang. “Now, I have a class to register”.

“Of course” Merlin nodded. “So do I”.

“Good luck” Morgana smirked. 

“You too” Merlin remarked. Once Morgana had gone to her classroom Morgause was stood outside with a scowl on her face. 

“Ready to open up?” Morgause asked. 

Morgana made a small squeak like noise. 

“Me too” Morgause chuckled. “Let’s see”. Luckily they had nothing happen to their rooms so could get on with their teaching in a normal room instead of having to try to tidy up. Morgause slept seeing as she had first period free while Morgana had to teach the second years, opting to do a practice test with exams looming. Shortly after it was time for the fourth years to finish off an inspector calls—given then Mithian and Morgause had temporarily merged the sets to finish everything off it would at least be slightly less stressful on Morgana until they managed to get a cover teacher to replace Gwen—hopefully after half term and a new teacher in the new school year. 

They just had to finish going over an inspector calls which wasn’t too bad given that it was a good play especially given the plot twist ending. Although Morgana was surprised at seeing some people running out of Morgause’s classroom followed by a frazzled Morgause. She quickly dismissed the class before she sat down—surprised at Morgause entering the room. 

“Could we have a quick chat?” Morgause checked. 

“Of course” Morgana frowned. “You know that. What seems to be the matter?”.

“One of the students in my class—Harriet. She hasn’t been sleeping well and keeps on having nightmares about Camelot ... I think it might be a past life but she can’t be sure. Poor things absolutely terrified”.

“I bet” Morgana agreed. “I mean I’m an adult and I get scared. Can’t imagine how scared a poor child must be”.

“Anyway” Morgause continued. “I told her how you have had similar circumstances so it’d be better for her to talk to you. Is that okay?”.

“Of course it is” Morgana nodded. “Is it okay if you get me another drink? Get one for Harriet too”.

“Of course I will” Morgause smiled. 

“Harriet” Morgana called as she looked at the nervous teenager. “Miss LeFay told me about how you’ve been having nightmares and you wanted to talk about them?”.

“I’m scared” Harriet admitted as she looked in Morgana’s direction. “It’s all so confusing. I’m fucking exhausted and just well, sick of feeling this way”.

“It’s understandable” Morgana agreed. “But is it okay if we go into my room? I have a free period”.

“Of course” Harriet nodded as she grabbed her bag and followed Morgana to her room. 

“Is it ever about anything in particular?” Morgana asked. 

“Yeah” Harriet admitted. “Always in some castle. A big castle. Some strange robes and trying to escape. You were there too. A few times”.

“I was?” Morgana asked as thoughts began to swirl around her mind. 

“Yeah. You and Mr Pendragon arguing. So many fights. I killed Mr Pendragon and now he’s fucking dead. Well he killed me too but I’m still alive as you can tell. I don’t know how to deal with it” Harriet cried. 

“I know it’s hard sweetheart” Morgana gently placed a hand on Harriet’s shoulder. “But you will get through this. I’ll be here for you”.

“Thank you...there’s something else you should know too”.

“Of course” Morgana replied. “Just take your time. Does Lucy know?”.

Harriet vigorously shook her head. 

* * *

During her free period Morgana had to sit down and take a few deep breaths. How could this have happened? How? Harriet was always so sweet, only for all this to happen? The evidence was so obvious. It all pointed in one direction. She couldn’t be. It just wasn’t _possible_. She had just seen Kara earlier—now Mordred? It likely that Kara wasn’t _that Kara_ but it still scared her. Then again, it could be a mere coincidence due to Arthur and Gwen dying and Harriet being in the middle of her GCSEs. 

Later that night Morgana and Merlin managed to arrange the funeral date—the 24th of May or the Friday just before half term. At the weekend they were due to talk to a lawyer about adopting Amhar—which would be possible after ten weeks of him living with them. Every month social services would visit to checkup on them, given that Amhar had to be living with them for a _minimum_ of 10 weeks. Both of them (despite Arthur and Gwen’s wishes) wouldn’t be able to adopt Amhar unless they were a couple, and given that they used to be one they would work on it during the coming weeks and months. 

“Scary isn’t it?” Morgana commented as they were lay in bed. 

“What is?” Merlin frowned. 

“How quickly life can be taken and changed within minutes”.

“I know” Merlin agreed. “But still. No matter what, no matter how bad things are life goes on. Things don’t stop”.

“I can’t believe Geoffrey said no to cancelling this years end of year exams”.

“I know” Merlin agreed once more. “Yet sadly a child can only miss their GCSEs if an _immediate_ family member died. Arthur and Gwen were their teachers”.

“I know” Morgana sighed. “I just can’t imagine it”.

“Surprisingly kids are resilient” Merlin remarked. “Y’know? They just get on with it”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me all know what you think, reviews are always appreciated!


	6. Chapter 6

**Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories they’re haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye ...**

_18th May 2019_

“I don’t know what to do” Morgana sighed as she flopped on the sofa. 

“What’s up?” Merlin asked. 

“I still feel pregnant. Even though tests were coming back negative on the digital with a faint line on the  
First Response tests and whatnot which is confusing _and_ I passed some clots a few days before my taster day, I mean, _look_!” She lifted up her top. “See how fucking fat I am”.

“You’re not fat” Merlin scoffed. “You’ve just been eating a lot”.

“Yeah, and throwing it back up cause the sodding morning sickness isn’t gone yet”.

“Maybe phone up the early pregnant unit” Merlin shrugged. “See what happens. They’ll probably call you in”.

“I think I’ll have to” Morgana sighed as she began to phone the early pregnancy unit. They advised her to go in, and not drive so Merlin drove her and left Amhar with Morgause. Morgana was slightly surprised as she anxiously clutched Merlin’s hand in the waiting room. 

“Morgana Pendragon” the midwife called with a smile. Morgana changed into the sheet ready for the internal scan. 

“So, let’s take a look” the scanner said. “I’m sorry. It looks as though there is some retained products. From what I can see there is still some of the sac left too”.

“So what now?” Morgana asked. 

“There are two options. You can have a medical management which involves dissolving some pills in your mouth or you can have a surgical management. There are pros and cons to each version but ultimately it is up to you to decide”.

“What are the pros of medical management?” Morgana asked. 

“I’ll be back” the scanner replied. “I’m going to get a midwife to go over it with you”.

After weighing out the pros and cons of medical management and surgical management, Morgana opted to have the surgery. Given that it would be over and done with quicker and less painfully, Morgana opted to go through with it. She even said that Merlin was the father of the baby so that he could go with her while she waited and watched as she was taken to the operating theatre. Morgana returned around forty-five minutes later with tears streaming down her face. 

“My baby” Morgana whispered. 

“I know” Merlin sighed as he tightly gripped her hand. 

“Marry me. I love you. I want you to be the _real_ father of my next babies. Not Alvarr. With him it’s like snogging a fucking frog!”.

“You need to rest” Merlin reminded her. Later on, Merlin would replay that conversation over and over in his head. He had put it down to the anaesthetic and whatnot yet he tried to bring it up only to find that Morgana was already asleep. Not that he blamed her. It was emotionally draining and he’d only watched, let alone experience it. 

At home once more, Morgana took the small notebook out and turned to a fresh page, beginning to write. 

_30th April 2019_   
_Morgana here. Found out I’m pregnant today somehow. Alvarr’s kid. Fucking hell. Alvarr’s going to be a shit father!_

_7th May 2019_   
_Shit few days. Car crash, told I’m likely miscarrying. Well technically I am miscarrying. Arthur and Gwen, gone. My baby, gone. And I have to raise Amhar._

_12th May 2019_   
_Despite this, on the line tests I get positive tests yet the digital ones are negative ... strange. I’ve been signed off work for a few weeks and have spent my days between the sofa, bed and toilet. Too much blood._

_18th May 2019_   
_I was still pregnant ... it retained. The pregnancy was retained =( and they gave me the option of medication or surgery. I chose surgery, so I could get it over and done with. I don’t know how to deal with it happening longer._

* * *

_20th May 2019_

“Funeral songs?” Merlin asked. 

“I’ll google them” Morgana shrugged. “Arthur and Gwen wanted happy songs yet there’s no fucking happy songs!”.

“What were their favourite songs again?” Merlin asked. 

“Sweet but psycho” Morgana smirked. “We’re not playing sweet but psycho at a funeral!”.

“So that’s off limits” Merlin agreed. 

“Did you see their will? Gwen requested good as hell”.

“You’re joking!” Merlin gasped. 

“I wish” Morgana scoffed. “Know any sad songs? Arthur requested fields of gold”. 

“I don’t know. Someone you loved?”.

“I’ll note it down” Morgana replied. “Gwen loved speechless. That song from Aladdin. I wonder what the new one will sound like”.

“I don’t blame her” Merlin shrugged. “The new one looks _amazing_. I can’t believe they didn’t even get to see it”.

“Thank u, next?” Morgana suggested. 

“For a funeral?” Merlin laughed. “Just no. Ariana grande and funerals just don’t work”.

“Let’s see. 7 years?” Morgana suggested. 

“Definitely” Merlin agreed. “What’s that song at the end of Prince Caspian?”.

“No need to say goodbye! I’ll add that to the list”.

“Dreams! The cranberries!”.

“Chasing cars is good too” Morgana added as she wrote it down. “I know they loved the fuller house theme”.

“Everywhere you look, everywhere you go there’s a heart there’s a heart, a hand to hold on to” Merlin sang as he wrote it down. 

“Shut up” Morgana laughed as she gently slapped him. “Sweet dreams are made of this”.

“Ooh but the Emily browning edition is just _chilling_ ” Merlin declared. 

“Some of them want to get used by you”.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Merlin asked as he raised his eyebrows. 

“Africa on the list too?” Morgana checked. “Arthur loved that”.

“Karaoke was fun” Merlin smiled dazedly. “Never gonna give you up”.

“Ric rolled!” Morgana declared. “I get knocked down. But I get up again, you ain’t never gunna keep me down, I get knocked down but I get up again, ain’t never gunna keep me down”.

“Arthur liked N’SYNC didn’t he?” Merlin checked. 

“I’m sure he was Bi for JT!” Morgana laughed. “And _probably_ you in Camelot”.

“He he” Merlin nervously laughed. Why was he so nervous? “So bye bye bye on the list?”.

“Sure is” Morgana winked. “Oh and add lovely day too. Some sad cover of sweet child o’mine too”.

Merlin faked offence as he clutched a hand to his chest. “A cover of sweet child o’mine? That should be a crime!”.

“Merlin, it’s for a funeral” Morgana gently reminded him. 

“So we won’t play lovely day then?”.

“Of course we are” Morgana snorted. “It’s one of Arthur’s favourite songs. And anyway, they specified that they want us in colourful clothing and celebrating life, not crying. Easier said than done I know”.

“And the funeral playlist is done” Merlin concluded as he threw his pen down. 

“We have an appointment tomorrow with the flower company. I’m heading to the gym. Mithian’s picking me up”.

“Have fun. How long do you think you’ll be?”.

“I’ll be back for bedtime so calm down” Morgana smirked. Amhar didn’t seem to like Merlin putting him down for bed, only Morgana. And Merlin didn’t like putting Amhar to bed as he would cry and cry and cry. “Gotta go, Mithian’s here”.

“How are ya?” Mithian asked once Morgana was in the front seat. 

“Not too bad” Morgana shrugged. “We just decided on the funeral songs so. Well, ready to hit the gym?”.

“You bet I am. Are you?”.

“Of course. Don’t fly of the treadmill”.

“I don’t fly of the treadmill” Mithian protested. “Although, I was there last week and Harriet _almost_ went flying. I was too shocked to laugh”.

“Well let’s get on with our exercise” Morgana sighed. They made their way to the changing rooms and quickly changed before the headed off to the gym, getting two treadmills next to each other. 

Mithian was beginning to get worried about Morgana. She had begun to look a lot slimmer than normal, and Merlin had told her to keep an eye on the younger woman as much as possible which wasn’t difficult given that she was worried too. And she was wearing a jumper for some reason.

“Okay and warm up done” Mithian said as she turned to Morgana. “Weights next?”.

“Okay” Morgana agreed as she slowed her treadmill down. “Actually” she briefly held onto the side of the treadmill as it stopped. “I don’t feel so good”. She walked off the treadmill and collapsed to the floor. 

“Uh ... shit. Ambulance, ambulance!” Mithian said as she tried to unplug her headphones and phone the ambulance. 

* * *

“You gave us quite a scare there” Merlin remarked as he stood next to Morgana. Mithian had called an ambulance and then Merlin and they quickly made their way to Avalon hospital. 

“I already said” Morgana said to the doctor. “I’m _fine_ ”.

“She isn’t” Merlin and Mithian muttered at the same time. 

“We’ll do some blood work” the doctor insisted. “And see what happens there. Any chance you’re pregnant?”.

“I was” Morgana said quietly. “But I lost it. No big deal”.

“How long ago was this?”.

“I had a D&C two days ago”.

“You’re supposed to be on bed rest in that case” the doctor remarked. 

“I was trying to loose the baby weight” Morgana insisted. 

“You still should have been on bed rest. Count yourself lucky that nothing too serious happened. I’ll go sort out some blood work and get you on some IV’s”. The doctor closed the curtains and retreated from the cubicle. 

“Did I fuck up or something?” Morgana frowned. “Cause he looked a tad pissed”.

Mithian and Merlin groaned and facepalmed. 

“Mama!” Amhar beamed from Merlin’s arms as he stretched out to Morgana. “Mama!”.

“Did he just?” Mithian asked. 

“Yes” Merlin and Morgana interrupted her simultaneously. 

“It wasn’t supposed to be me” Morgana whispered as tears welled in her eyes. “It was supposed to be Gwen”.

“We’ll get you on that IV now” the doctor said as he re-entered the cubicle. “Don’t cry. You have nothing to worry about. Roll up your sleeves”.

“Can they leave first?” Morgana checked. 

“Morgana” Merlin protested. 

“Best if they stay” the doctor protested as he rolled up her sleeve. “Small scratch coming up”.

“Morgana!” Mithian gasped. She knew now why Morgana had kept the jumper on. Red lines marred her skin, droplets of blood. 

“Leave it Mithian” Morgana snapped. “Just leave”.

“Morgana .. why?” Merlin asked. 

“You’d never understand, Merlin. Now get out”.

“Oh my gosh” Mithian whispered when they were outside the cubicle. “I had no idea she was pregnant...or the other thing...I’m sorry”.

“I trust you not to tell anyone?” Merlin checked. 

“Of course. I know what it’s like. I had a miscarriage in the Christmas holidays too”.

“Really? I’m so sorry, Mith”.

“Don’t sweat it” Mithian shrugged.   
“It is what it is. Everything happens for a reason”. 

“I wish I knew what that reason was” Merlin muttered as Amhar tried to leap out his pushchair and toppling it down while he shouted “mama!”.

“I can tell this ones going to be trouble” Mithian smiled as she helped Merlin lift the pushchair up. “Is _that_ a _dinosaur eating pushchair_!”.

“You bet” Merlin smirked. 

Merlin knew that Morgana had just come around from her anaesthetic when she said what she said, yet it still made him wonder. _I want you to be the real father of my children, not Alvarr._ Did she mean that or was it only a drug induced muttering? And while terrible things had happened in the past, a _part_ of Merlin hoped it was true. 


	7. Chapter 7

**The wound heals but it never does. That’s cause you’re at war with love**

_23rd May 2019_

“Stand” Sarrum ordered. Another assembly, yet after lunch as per usual rather than in the morning like the emergency one was. 

“You may sit” Nimeuh sighed as she stood upon the podium on the stage. “Good afternoon everybody. As I am sure you all know, tomorrow everybody shall have the day off school as it is the funeral of Mr Pendragon and Mrs Smith, at St Mary’s church in Camelot. Those in sixth form and above can go as they wish, while those in first to fifth years will meet at the school as we follow the hearse to the church” Nimeuh explained. “There is no dress code, yet dress appropriately. It was Mr and Mrs Pendragon’s wishes for you all to dress colourfully”.

“I can’t believe the funeral’s tomorrow” Morgause remarked. 

“I know” Merlin remarked with a sigh. “It’s crazy. I can’t believe it”.

“How are the preparations coming along?”.

“As well as can be” Merlin shrugged. “We’ve sorted out the playlist. The clothes, colourful as Gwen and Arthur wanted. The flowers will be picked up tomorrow. Last chance to see them at the chapel of rest if you want”.

“As many of you know, both Mr Pendragon and Mrs Smith would always keep their doors open and help pupils as much as they could with their problem, and would always take time to listen and help their pupils through” Nimeuh continued. 

“Yeah I’ll go after work” Morgause shrugged. “How’s Teeny?”.

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?” Merlin retorted. “She’s _your_ sister”.

“And _you_ live with her” Morgause retaliated. “I’m grieving too”.

“Well, sorry to pop your bubble” Merlin hissed. “But you’re _not_ the only one grieving. We’re grieving too, Morgana had it worse as I’m sure you know, or maybe not because lately you’ve been a _crap sister”._

“As many of you know, we have lost two much loved members of the community, who will will never forget, or what they have to us. Stand please” Nimeuh sighed as the students murmured lightly and stood up. Merlin merely glared at Morgause and then she followed him back to his room. 

“Cant believe that I’ll have to be in this lovely _dingy_ soon” Morgause remarked. They had decided to move many things around the school—English block would be moving to maths, maths to near science and humanities and sixth form studies would share the old English block. 

“There’s nothing wrong with this place” Merlin snapped. 

“What’s gotten into you?”.

“What gotten into _me_?!” Merlin retorted. “What’s gotten into _you_?”.

“Nothing!” Morgause insisted. “Why? There is nothing wrong!”.

“Are you sure?” Merlin asked. 

“How the fuck is Arthur dead?” Morgause sighed. “Just how? I mean I was almost ready to quit smoking now this happens. I don’t _know_ how to be there for _myself_ , let alone Morgana”.

“It’s tough” Merlin agreed. “But that doesn’t mean you should cut people off. I mean what if you had gotten into a crash? Or something happened?”.

“I’m sorry” Morgause sighed. “I should’ve been there but I wasn’t. Not much that can happen now it’s in the past. How is Morgana? Dealing okay with the pregnancy lost?”.

“Actually she had surgery to get it removed. Maybe you should ask her yourself instead of me being the fucking messenger”. Merlin turned on his heel and walked out slamming the door behind him even though it was his room. He went to the room opposite—Will’s. 

“Wassup mate?” Will asked as he continued to play candy crush. 

“Morgause is an annoying bitch” Merlin sighed as he rubbed his temples. 

“No, I’m not” Morgause insisted as she walked into the room. “There’s no timeline for grief and I just want to get this funeral over with and continue with my life. Okay, Merlin?”.

“Okay” Merlin agreed. “Yet still. You shouldn’t isolate yourself. Just try, please”.

“Will, leave” Morgause ordered. “Merlin and I need to talk”.

“Well what is it then?” Merlin challenged. 

“We all grieve differently there’s no denying. I can’t handle anymore sad talk or death talk, okay? Just because I don’t want to talk about death and miscarriages it doesn’t mean I’m not fucking there, understand?”.

“Okay. That’s understandable” Merlin said quietly. “I didn’t know”.

“Well of course you wouldn’t” Morgause snapped. “So stop being all high and mighty and assuming you know everything. Because, you _don’t_ ”.

* * *

“You haven’t heard from Morgause have you?” Morgana asked with a frown. 

“She’s been off lately” Merlin shrugged. “We all have. My mum and dad will be staying at my flat tonight, I might go see them after we pick up the flowers?”.

“Of course” Morgana nodded. “You don’t mind dropping me back do you?”.

“Do you ever drive?” Merlin chuckled as he picked Amhar up from the floor. 

“I _do_ ” Morgana insisted. “I just prefer not to”. 

“Hm. Are you sure you’re okay?”.

“Perfectly fine. Why?” Morgana frowned. 

“It’s just you haven’t driven much”.

“Not allowed to” Morgana shrugged. “Anaesthetic”.

“The doctor said you only had to wait 24 hours then you could drive”.

“I know” Morgana snapped. “I just prefer not to. When possible”.

“Is this about the crash?”.

“Why would it be about the crash?” Morgana snapped. “I’m fine, Amhar’s fine, Arthur and Gwen are _dead._ My baby _dead”._

“So this is about the crash” Merlin muttered. “Well let’s go get the flowers. Do you want to come get them?”.

“I’d rather stay home with Amhar. Not like we can walk from Monmouth to Camelot” Morgana snorted. 

“So this _is_ about the crash” Merlin decided. 

“No” Morgana shrugged. “Amhar’s teething”. 

Amhar flashed a gummy-toothy smile at Morgana at hearing his name. At eight months old he had his two bottom teeth fully grown in and his top two teeth were starting to grow. “Mama”.

“Blame it on the baby then” Merlin shook his head. “Whatever you say”.

“Okay I’ll come” Morgana sighed. “I want to be involved. Seeing as we can’t see them at the chapel of rest”. They weren’t allowed to see Arthur and Gwen due to the bad state that they were in after the crash. The crash on its own was bad enough yet once the car went up in flames it would be terrible for anyone to look at. 

They drove went to the florist and collected the flowers before returning so Morgana could put Amhar to bed and Merlin could meet his parents. Gaius was there too. 

“Arthur and Gwen, gone” Gaius remarked. “I can hardly believe it. I’ve barely seen them since Christmas”.

“They were busy with the baby” Merlin shrugged. “He had all those complications when he was born”.

“Terrible” Hunith agreed. “Didn’t even get to meet the famous Arthur”.

“Busy life” Merlin shrugged. “Well, not anymore. The funeral’s tomorrow”.

* * *

“We do have enough tea and coffee right?” Morgana checked. She never liked to be unprepared. 

“We’re going back to the school for the wake ... remember? Funeral starts at 9 o’clock, service ends at 10, then it’s time for the burial and we head to school for lunch and nibbles and then some of us back to the house. We’re also going back to school once it’s dark for Chinese lanterns”.

“That sounds _exhausting_ ” Morgana sighed. 

“Very” Merlin agreed. “Rather jam packed. You’ll be on baby duty so can easily escape”.

“Thanks” Morgana sarcastically replied. “Alright, I’m heading off to bed. Night”.

“Good night” Merlin replied. 

Morgana sighed _again_ as she tossed in bed. She knew that she was a shit sleeper as of late and there was no denying that. “Fuck sake”.

“Are you still awake?” Merlin asked. 

“No I’m muttering in my sleep” Morgana retorted. “Yes I’m still fucking awake. Fuck sake”.

“Come on” Merlin sighed as he turned the light on.

“Do you mind?” Morgana spluttered as she shielded her eyes from the light. “Bit bright here”.

“I’m making hot chocolate” Merlin said. “You coming? Oh and I picked up a newspaper in case this would happen”.

“How thoughtful” Morgana sneered as they made their way to the kitchen and sat down at the table with hot chocolate. 

“There’s no peanuts” Merlin said as he set it down on the table. “Any other allergies?”.

“Raw onions” Morgana replied as she flipped through the newspaper. “Jeesh I’m behind the times. Smeghan Spatkle had a kid. Named him Archie. Rather well, un-regal”.

“And they’re calling his first dog Jughead?” Merlin asked as he sipped at his hot chocolate. 

“Shame I’m not the queen” Morgana pouted. “I’d have been much better than good ol’ Liz. Nah well she’s great but I’m sorry, Meghan and Harry aren’t a good couple”.

“I swear she’s been pregnant for six years” Merlin snorted. “The never ending pregnancy”.

“You’d of thought she was the first ever royal to be pregnant” Morgana agreed. “Not like the queen hasn’t had four”.

“Didn’t you hear about the Meghan Markle moon bump?”.

“The what!” Morgana spluttered. The idiot _always_ chose the wrong time to talk. 

“Moonbump. Basically it’s a fake bump people use in movies and tv shows to fake a pregnancy. Apparently they had a surrogate but Meghan pretended to be pregnant using one of those things. Explains how her bump changed size every day and why she kept holding onto it”.

“That’s brilliant” Morgana laughed. “Absolutely brilliant! Arthur said about how he didn’t think she was really pregnant. Oh my God that’s hilarious”.

“I know” Merlin agreed. “Oh what’s happened to the world?”.

“Beginning a new _decade_ in sixth months” Morgana shrugged. 

“Damn” Merlin yawned. “All this Markle and Harry talk is making me tired”.

“I agree” Morgana agreed with a yawn. “Well let’s get back to bed”.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saying goodbye :(

**It’s been a long day without you my friend, and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again**

_24th May 2019_

The day of the funeral had at last rolled around. It had been a short night in the end after Merlin and Morgana had had their hot chocolate and gone to bed, they had a “good night milk” formula that was said to help babies sleep better so Amhar slept through the night well and woke up happily. If only he knew what day it was. He wouldn’t be happy if he knew. 

“Breakfast?” Merlin asked as he began to boil the kettle. 

“Just a coffee” Morgana replied as she balanced Amhar on one hip and measured out formula powder. The baby just refused to be put down and used his newfound word often, shouting “Mama!” whenever Morgana wasn’t holding him or paying attention. It was rather normal—most babies tended to go through a separation anxiety of some sort at this age—yet Morgana felt so so bad. Why had she survived and not Gwen? _Why_?

“What’re you having for breakfast?” Merlin asked again. She did seem rather lost in thought as Amhar tried to get her attention while she simply stared ahead into space. 

“Coffee” Morgana replied as she added tap water and kettle water to the bottle. “I need to get ready. Do you mind doing baby?”.

“Of course not” Merlin replied. “We’re out of baby cereal. Mind putting it on the list?”.

“Of course not” Morgana replied as she noted it down. “What are you wearing?”.

“I don’t know” Merlin shrugged. “You know what? Let’s set out the baby’s outfit first and then decide”.

“Fair enough” Morgana shrugged. Once they had finished their coffee, breakfast and fed the baby they quickly decided what to wear for the funeral. Amhar had an Elmer Elephant babygrow while Merlin and Morgana had rather summery clothes. Morgana’s eyeshadow was light blue and matched her dress—while Merlin wore some pink trousers and a white shirt. It felt weird dressing like that for a funeral—yet Arthur and Gwen had made it very obvious that if they were to die they wanted a colourful funeral. They had all arranged to meet at Camelot Grammar School as it would be easier that way given the funeral home was in Camelot while Arthur and Gwen lived outside of Camelot—and _a lot_ of people were attending. 

The two hearses adjourned with flowers—spelling out “Mum, teacher, Guinevere” on Gwen’s and “Dad, Brother, Arthur” on Arthur’s. 

  
They drove out of the school car park and then to the church as the pupils followed behind. Driving slowly with the funeral limo and all those travelling in it clambered in—Morgause, Mithian, Gaius, Catrina, Morgana, Arthur and Gwen’s friends, and Merlin and the baby in the back given that he had to have a car seat. He had to go back to his rear facing one as it was portable which he was _not happy_ about and cried for the majority of the journey to the church (although many suspected he was crying for another reason) yet he did stop crying once they were at the church. 

Those carrying the casket’s lined up next to them—while the majority of students went inside some waited outside to walk in with the hearse. 

“It looks more like a wedding than a funeral” Lucy remarked while Harriet elbowed her in the ribs and told her to shut up. Lucy then decided to go inside rather than waiting outside muttering “it’s too cold”.

“How are you?” Harriet asked. She decided to remain outside and had noticed that Morgana was struggling with the baby. 

“I’m ... i mean it’s tough but what can I say, I have to do it for this little guy here”. Amhar flashed a toothy grin at Harriet. 

“Do you want me to take him for a moment?” Harriet asked. 

“Please” Morgana sighed as she passed the baby over so she could stop her tears and readjust her bag.

_I do my hair toss, check my nails_   
_Baby how you feeling? Feeling good as hell! Hair toss, check my nails. Baby’s how you feeling? Feeling good as hell!_

“Is this the right fucking song?” Harriet asked as she raised an eyebrow. “I know they wanted colourful shit” she gestured to her outfit, “but _this_? I swear it’s something from bloody TikTok at least that’s what Lucy says”.

“Their choice” Morgana explained as she took Amhar back. Everybody had lifted up the casket’s onto their shoulder’s and they walked into the church. 

_Woo child, tired of the bullshit come on brush your shoulders off, keep it moving. yes Lord, try a get some new shit, in there, swimwear going to the pool or shit_

Those carrying the caskets walked down the aisle to the alter and set them down on the table next to each other. 

_Come now, come dry your eyes. You know you’re a star you can touch the sky,_   
_I know it’s hard but you have to try, if you need advice let me simplify_

“Well, not every funeral starts off with a cheerful song like Guinevere and Arthur’s choice” the priest remarked. “Guinevere was a great mother, wife and an extraordinary teacher, alongside Arthur with whom she shares her baby son Amhar”.

“Gagaga!” Amhar shouted happily at hearing his name. 

“And Arthur leaves his three sons Dylan and twins Gideon and Leonardo. They lived their lives to the fullest—and today we are gathered here to both celebrate and mourn. And before we get back to Arthur and Gwen’s favourite songs, we shall now all sing the hymn ‘and did those feet’”.

“And did those feet, in ancient times. Walk upon England’s mountains green. And did the holy lamb of god on england’s pleasant pastures seen? And did the countenance divine, shine forth upon our clouded hills? And was Jerusalem builded here among those dark Satanic mills”.

“Morgause LeFay, Arthur’s stepsister will now do a reading, and shortly after we shall listen to more of Arthur and Guinevere’s favourite songs”.

Morgause heels loudly clacked on the church floor as she went up onto the podium. 

“I’ve known Arthur for a while. Childhood friends, you could say. Except not really at the same time. Arthur and I met in ‘85 when I was ten and Arthur was five as our parents began to date. Like the brother I never had” Morgause chuckled and wiped at a stray tear. 

“He _was_ the brother I’d never had and, to be honest it was an honour to grow up alongside him. When Arthur and I first met, he was, how do I put this? He was the annoying dog that followed me snivelling and at first I hated it, absolutely hated it. Yet in time I came to be rather fond of the boy, even if he was rather reckless. Like that time we went on holiday when he was seven and I was twelve. We were in one of the water parks and Arthur insisted on going on one of the plunge water slides even though it was rather scary and rather high for a seven year old. Arthur pooed his pants right as he went down the water slide” Morgause cut off for a moment as she laughed and cried. 

“The slide was closed for a week afterwards and Arthur shut the park down for the rest of the day. Arthur was like that, always dramatic and insisting on going out with a boom. And in the end, he _certainly_ did. Leaving behind not one as we thought, not two as he later revealed but four. Dylan who he had as a teenager, the twins Gideon and Leon and the most recent addition to the family baby Amhar”.

“Gaga!” Amhar squealed once more. 

“Arthur’s children will continue his legacy and I am proud to call these four boys my nephews. We shall now listen to one of Arthur’s favourite songs”. Morgause stepped down from the podium as the song begun to play. 

_You’ll remember me, when the west wind moves. Along the fields of barley. You can tell the sun in his jealous sky of when we walked in fields of gold. So she took her love, for to gaze a while. Among the fields of barley. In his arms she fell, as her hair came down. Among the fields of gold._   
_Many years have passed since that summers day among the fields of barley. See the children run as the sun goes down. As you lie in fields of gold._

Morgause stood up on the podium. “I shall now read the poem, funeral blues.   
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.  
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message ‘He is Dead’. Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.  
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,  
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;  
For nothing now can ever come to any good”. Morgause solemnly looked down and nodded at Dylan as she stepped down. 

“Arthur’s eldest son Dylan will now do a reading” the priest said as Dylan went up to the podium. 

“I hadn’t known my dad for long. While I do have vague memories of being a baby and him being there, it is mostly prompted by photos and stories. Dad and mum were young when they first got together yet tragedy struck and I was adopted by a lovely family. And don’t get me wrong, my adoptive family have been amazing. Yet still, in the short few months that dad and I knew each other were some of the best months of my life” Dylan took a deep breath. 

“He always cherished each one of his children. Despite being apart for a long time, he continued to stay in contact with me sending birthday and Christmas cards each year. He introduced me to my wonderful siblings; Gideon, Leon and baby Amhar. In the short time that I knew dad, he taught me that family is everything. The last few months have been some of the best of my adulthood life. I love you, Dad”.

_I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain and now the day bleeds into nightfall, and you’re not here to help me through it all. I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug, I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved_

“The twins will now read a poem in tribute of their father” the priest announced. 

The twins glanced at each other as they made their way up to the podium. 

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,  
I am not there, I do not sleep.   
I am a thousand winds that blow.  
I am the diamond glint on snow.  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  
I am the gentle autumn rain.   
When you wake in the morning hush,  
I am the swift, uplifting rush  
Of quiet birds in circling flight.  
I am the soft starlight at night.   
Do not stand at my grave and weep.  
I am not there, I do not sleep.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry.  
I am not there, I did not die!”.

The music began to play as the twins came down from the podium. 

_We’ll do it all. Everything. On our own. We don’t need, anything. Or anyone. If I lay here. If I lay here and. Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Let’s waste time. Chasing cars, around our heads._

Morgana went up next after she passed the baby to Morgause, walking tall with some notes in her hand. 

“Most people tend to know me as Arthur’s baby sister” Morgana smiled. “And it’s true. Arthur had been there for the majority of my life. From whenever I could remember Arthur would always be there, listening to N’SYNC. I did always get the vibe he had a crush on Justin Timberlake”.

“It was actually _me_ that introduced Arthur and Gwen to one another” Morgana smirked. “It was back in 2005. I had gotten into trouble at boarding school—Gwen was the matron of the year sevens and as our father was busy doing mayor stuff Arthur decided to come up in the middle of the night—he drove all through the night as I was a good girl until then” Morgana smirked and dabbed her tears. 

“Despite the fact it was after nine at night and he arrived at four in the morning—we all were still awake and Gwen wasn’t pleased to say the least! With Arthur, not us just to clarify” Morgana winked. “And then the rest, well, the rest is history”.

_Once I was seven years old, mama told me go make yourself some friends or you’ll be lonely, once I was seven years old. It was a big big world but we thought we were bigger, pushing each other to the limits we were learning quicker. By eleven smoking herb and drinking burning liquor. Never rich so we were out to make that steady figure._

_Once I was eleven years old, daddy told me go get yourself a wife or you’ll be lonely, once I was eleven years old. I always had that dream like my daddy before me so o started writing songs I started writing stories, something about that glory always seemed to bore me cause only those I love will ever really know me._

_Once I was twenty years old my story got told before the morning sun when life was lonely once I was twenty years old. I only see my goals I don’t believe in failure, cause I know the smallest voices they can make it major. I got my boys with me, at least those in favour and if we don’t meet before I leave I hope I see you later._

_Soon we’ll be thirty years old our songs have been sold we’re travelling around the world and we’re still roaming._

_Soon I’ll be sixty years old my daddy got sixty one remember life and then your life becomes a better one. I made a man so happy when I wrote a letter once. Soon I’ll be sixty years old will I think the world is cold or will I have a lot of children who will warm me, soon I’ll be sixty years old._

_Once I was seven years old._

“Now the choir of Camelot Grammar school shall sing a song” the priest announced. 

“ _It started out as a feeling, Which then grew into a hope. Which then turned into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word_

_And then that word grew louder and louder 'Til it was a battle cry_   
_I'll come back, When you call me_   
_No need to say goodbye_

_Just because everything's changing, Doesn't mean it's never been this way before All you can do is try to know who your friends are As you head off to the war_

_Pick a star on the dark horizon And follow the light. You'll come back when it's over No need to say goodbye You'll come back when it's over. No need to say goodbye_

_Now we're back to the beginning_   
_It's just a feeling and no one knows yet. But just because they can't feel it too, Doesn't mean that you have to forget. Let your memories grow stronger and stronger 'Til they're before your eyes_

_You'll come back When they call you, No need to say goodbye._   
_You'll come back, When they call you. No need to say goodbye”_

“Dylan shall now read a poem” the priest announced. 

Dylan confidently made his way to the podium with the poem in his hand. 

“For me personally, this poem is in reverse” Dylan announced. “Outgrown by Penelope Shuttle.   
It is both sad and a relief to fold so carefully  
Her outgrown clothes and line up the little worn shoes of childhood, so prudent, scuffed and particular. It is both happy and horrible to send them—“. Dylan stopped as he began to cry. He slowly walked off the podium, nodding at the priest to start the song. 

_Whatever happened to predictability? The milkman, the paperboy the evening tv. How did I get delivered here somebody tell me please? Cause this old world is really confusing me._   
_Clouds as mean as you’ve ever seen ain’t a bird that knows your tune. Then a little voice inside of you whispers “kid don’t sell your dreams so soon!”_

_Everywhere you look everywhere you go, there’s a heart (there’s a heart) a hand to hold on to. Everywhere you look, everywhere you go, there’s a face (there’s a face) somebody who needs you la-la-la-la-la_

_Whatever happened to the good old days? Talking to friends for hours swore it’d never go away. Now I feel a little crazy trying to fit in with a scene, cause how do you know where you’re going if you don’t know who you’ve been? Everybody eventually says that they’re as lost as you. So everybody shout it together! Hey! Don’t sell your dreams so soon!_

_Everywhere you look, everywhere you go, there’s a heart (there’s a heart), a hand to hold on to. Everywhere you look, everywhere you go there’s a face (there’s a face) somebody who needs you._

_When you’re lost out there and you’re al alone, a light is waiting to carry you home. Everywhere you go_

After a few more speeches from Gwen and Arthur’s friends, poems being read and some more songs played the funeral was over and it was time for the burial. The caskets were lifted up and they made their way out of the church with people slowly following behind. 

_But I won’t cry and I won’t start to crumble. Whenever they try to shut me or cut me out._   
_I won’t be silenced, you can’t keep me quiet, won’t tremble when you try all I know is I won’t go speechless_   
_‘Cause I’ll breathe when they try to suffocate me, don’t you underestimate me cause I know that I won’t go speechless_

* * *

After Arthur and Gwen were buried everybody made their way to the school. Drinks and snacks were served with students allowed to go home whenever they wished. Some students stayed slightly longer so the teachers stayed to supervised, while those that were closer with Arthur and Gwen went to their house for the second wake. 

Now that there weren’t children instead of the tea coffee and orange juice out came the bottles of wine and champagne. Morgana went straight over and began to chug straight from a wine bottle while Morgause and Mithian watched cautiously. 

“Do we stop her?” Mithian asked. 

“Let’s just see how much she drinks” Morgause decided as she kept an eye on her baby sister. 

Merlin watched as Morgana drunk while he went around serving drinks—everybody telling him that he shouldn’t be serving yet taking the wine glass anyway (except Mithian, she was _apparently_ driving).

Once it was dark the majority of people went back to school, gathering on the playground alongside the pupils while the care takers lit up Chinese Lanterns. With everybody gathered around in groups of two or three, for fourth form and above with groups of five accompanied by a teacher for those in third form and below. 

“To Mr and Mrs Pendragon” Nimeuh toasted. 

“To Mr and Mrs Pendragon” the pupils repeated. Slowly one by one they lifted up their lanterns into the air watching as they flew away. 

“It’s so beautiful” Morgana cried. “Look Amhar, look”. Morgana bent down to pushchair level and picked the baby up. 

“Gagaga” Amhar babbled. 

“You like that?” Merlin cooed. 

“He does” Morgana smiled. Amhar yawned and gently rested his head on Morgana’s shoulder as he watched the lanterns in the sky. 

“It’s so beautiful” Merlin commented. 

“I know” Morgana agreed as she rocked the baby. “I know”.

“Someone’s asleep” Merlin whispered as he ruffled Amhar’s hair. 

“I know” Morgana smiled as she put the pushchair backrest down and lay him down in it. As she began to stand up after strapping him in, she gently leant into Merlin and pecked him on the lips. They stood together as they watched the lanterns rising up above. 

“I just can’t see how ... well how they’ll ever get over it” Mithian remarked as she looked over to Merlin and Morgana. 

“They won’t” Morgause replied. “When someone means that much to you, when you love them that much—loosing them isn’t something they get over. Like me with me Dad, Mum and now Arthur. You just _learn_ to live with it”.

“But they’ll be okay?” Mithian asked. 

“They will be” Morgause gently smiled. “They have each other, _and_ me”. Mithian groaned and rolled her eyes. 

Only Merlin’s parents and Will went back to the house after the lantern release. He hadn’t had a chance to talk to Will or his parents alone in a while so he cherished that moment while Morgana was putting the baby to bed. 

Given that he had already slept, she only had to change his nappy and put him in his cot before she went to the bedroom and stripped her makeup off, lying down on the bed as she sobbed. She briefly looked in Gwen’s dressing table draw—all her makeup. She wouldn’t be needing that. She emptied out the draws as she emptied everything into the bin, the foundation, concealer, lip glosses, vaselines. It didn’t _feel_ right. 

Arthur and Gwen, gone forever. The final bleeding from the miscarriage had just stopped. Gone. Everything gone. Morgause isolating her. She was truly _alone_. No baby inside her anymore. No big brother. No big sister. All her friends were god knows where—she tended to do nothing but sleep and throw up these days. 

She leaned on the side of the bath in the en-suite as she felt her insides turn to mush once more. _Oh god_ she thought. _Not again_. She tied her hair back and leant against the bathtub as she waited for the inevitable. Another night sat on the bathroom floor it looked like. She moaned pitifully as the wine burned her throat—why hadn’t she eaten anything else? Morgana glanced in the mirror. She was a _fucking mess_. She lay down on the coolness of the bathroom tiles after she had flushed the toilet and brushing her teeth, welcoming the coolness against her flushed skin. 

* * *

Merlin and Will sat as they nursed a glass of whiskey. Merlin’s parents would be driving him back to his so he could drink as much as he liked that way. 

“And now, well now you’re a parent” Will slurred. He had gotten a _little_ drunk. 

“It’s not _that_ bad” Merlin insisted. “Just the fucking formula. Expensive as shit and there’s shitting powder everywhere”.

“It isn’t that bad” Hunith scoffed. 

“It is _that bad_ ” Balinor agreed. “Well not long for Amhar to have cows milk now is it?”.

“It is” Merlin grumbled. “Apparently kids these days have to be on formula until they’re one! Can’t have the green milk till they’re two. Parenting it fucking hard”.

“ _Really_?” Balinor laughed. 

“I think I’ll go check on the baby then we’ll go” Hunith decided as she stood up. 

“If you say so mum” Merlin rolled his eyes. “Oh and check on Morgs. She hasn’t come back yet”.

“That was my intention” Hunith murmured as she went up the stairs. Baby, fast asleep snoring lightly. She smiled at him before going towards the bedroom and knocking. “Morgana?”. No reply. She knocked again. No reply. She opened the door—no one there. Where was she? Hunith noticed the bathroom door slightly ajar and went over to it. Morgana was curled up on the floor asleep. 

“Bal!” She called. “A bit of help here”. She heard Balinor muttering to Merlin “I’ll see what your mum wants”. Balinor helped Hunith lift the younger woman into bed, remarking how small she was. 

“We should get going” Balinor said. 

“See you, Dad” Merlin smiled as he hugged his father. “Mum, Will”.

Merlin was more than ready for bed. The day had been exhausting and it wasn’t even late—yet he hadn’t seen Morgana since she had put the baby to bed. He should probably find her and remind her to eat. He went over to the bedroom and saw Morgana asleep still in her clothes. He smiled at the sight; she looked tiny under the sheets and Merlin decided he also couldn’t be bothered to change as he slid under the sheets. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve recently watched a show called ackley bridge and *SPOILERS* they had a few funerals so that really helped me writing this chapter. Aaaand the funeral scenes from East Enders and Coronation street did too


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah shit gets tense ....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning suicide mentions

**It’s so quiet here and I feel so cold. This house no longer feels like home...**

_28th May 2019_

“I’ve never had to rent out a flat before” Merlin commented. 

“Well neither have I” Morgana shrugged. “But my flats worth quite a lot. I think an extra £750 a month sounds _great_ ”.

“It sure does” Merlin agreed. “I mean did I really need this much shit?”.

“Apparently so” Morgana rolled her eyes as she set Amhar down on the floor. “Well at least the tenants will appreciate it”.

“If they ain’t annoying stressy people” Merlin muttered. 

“We should get going” Morgana sighed as she checked her watch. “Amhar has his CDH checkup. You coming?”.

“Of course” Merlin replied. “I just need to put my clothes in the car”.

“Be quick” Morgana muttered with a roll of her eyes as she took the baby down to the car. Merlin loaded up his car as they went down to Birmingham once more. 

As they exited the hospital and walked to the car park, Morgana was lifting Amhar in the air as she cooed “who’s a good boy? Amhar!”.

“I think it’s brilliant” Merlin remarked with a grin. “The all clear, only having check ups once a year”.

“He’s a very good boy” Morgana cooed as she held the baby close to her. “That’s some very good news. I’m glad we finally got some good news in this difficult time”.

“Me too” Merlin smiled. 

* * *

_29th May 2019_

The next day they had to continue getting on with packing up their flats. They visited the estate agent and decided that they would rent out their flats and thus had to take photos of them (and actually clear them up—given that they _were_ messy).

“Fucks sake” Morgana sighed as she walked outside the nursery and slammed the door. She leant against it and hid her face in her hands as sobs wracked her body. Amhar wasn’t sleeping _again_. She could hear him crying in his cot but she couldn’t go back in. Why did _she_ have to parent him? Why? It should’ve been Arthur and Gwen. 

“ _I’m supposed to have a daughter but I don’t cause Sophia killed herself and the baby went too_!”

Arthur’s last words echoed around her head. The daughter. Gwen’s miscarriages. Her miscarriage. Arthur and Gwen weren’t here. She’d tried to deny it as long as she could—yet she just _couldn’t_. She _couldn’t_. They were gone. The dead were gone and at peace. Arthur and Gwen didn’t have to deal with it anymore. Deal with the consequences. 

No mum. No dad. Ex-boyfriends that betrayed and tried to kill her. Friends that were busy and never around anymore. The conversations and the endless “oh I’m fine”. Why did everyone have to leave? In the end everyone would leave though no matter what. That was the problem. Amhar continued to cry inside the nursery. It wasn’t his fault. He was grieving too. Maybe there wasn’t anything in particular that her needed. 

Morgana went back into the nursery and sat down in the rocking chair. She held Amhar and popped his dummy in his mouth while he lay his head on her chest. She gently stroked his cheek as she rocked him and gently sung to him. 

_Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea_   
_And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honali_   
_Little Jackie paper loved that rascal puff_   
_And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff_

Amhar slowly stopped crying as he looked up at Morgana sniffling lightly. Maybe that was what he needed. She couldn’t remember the rest of puff the magic dragon so moved onto another song. 

_It’s a world of laughter a world of tears. It’s a world of hope and a world of fears. There’s so much that we share that its time we’re aware it’s a small world after all._   
_It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all. It’s a small world after all it’s a small, small world._

Morgana smiled as she looked down at Amhar. He was almost asleep. She stood up and began to rock him as she got ready to put him in his cot. 

_Rock a bye baby on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock. When the bow breaks the cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all._

Morgana gently put Amhar down into the cot, patting his back to make sure that he wouldn’t wake up. Satisfied that he was fast asleep, Morgana sat in the rocking chair and began to rock herself as she spoke to him. 

“Oh Amhar” she sighed. “I know sweetheart it’s hard. Your mummy and daddy aren’t here anymore and you keep calling me mummy and your mummy and daddy want me to co-parent with Merlin”.

* * *

Merlin sat as he watched the football. Stupid old arsenal. Sodding annoying team. He rolled his eyes as he saw the ball being passed between them and the other team. 

“And that’s another point for Arsenal, the crowd goes wild” he heard over the TV. fucking Arsenal would score wouldn’t they. He breathed loudly and threw the remote down on the sofa. Normally he’d be happily watching this with Arthur. Just last year during the World Cup they thought England would win as everybody sung “it’s coming home”, even those who didn’t support football. It wasn’t like this place was home. Merlin didn’t know where was home. Not anymore. Not like this. 

He smiled and turned the tv down as he heard Morgana singing puff the magic dragon over the baby monitor. She was something else. Ah yes. They were great friends and had an amazing three months dating. Then he said the L word. It wasn’t too soon, was it? After that she acted all weird. Then along came the Christmas party and Freya tried to seduce him and he refused and bam! Memories back. 

And while she was sweet enough in this life, things had changed. A lot had happened. She didn’t trust him. And he wasn’t sure what to do. She kept saying how she didn’t “want history to repeat itself”. _Yet the future wasn’t set in stone._ And they did say everything happens for a reason, yet he didn’t know that reason. 

He turned down the volume on the TV as he heard Morgana talking over the baby monitor. 

“A part of me wants to like him. Love him. But I loved him last time and look what happened there. Everything went to hell. Straight to hell. He poisoned me then i tried to kill him but he tried first and then he did kill me”. She sighed. “It’s so easy being a baby isn’t it? Never being alone. Like me. I’m all alone. No one cares anymore. Arthur and Gwen, gone. Morgause has jetted off to _fucking Barbados_ for the week and the time differences are unreal. Or was it the Bahamas? Don’t know don’t care. My baby’s gone too. And I’m so fucking angry. Why did Arthur have to keep all those secrets. Why did the car have to crash? Why did my baby have to die?”.

Merlin edged closer to the baby monitor as he continued to listen. 

“I’m just so damned angry and I don’t know what do do anymore Amhar” Morgana sighed. “No one can hear me cry each night, or see my dreams all die slowly. Each and every one. It doesn’t feel like home. No where’s home anymore. I just feel so lost, Amhar. I’m trying to be strong for you, I’m sorry. Well I guess I ought to be getting downstairs. Merlin actually _seems_ to care, but we both know he doesn’t”.

“Why you crying?” Morgana frowned as she slumped on the sofa. “Wasser matter with you?”.

“Nothing” Merlin sniffed. “Are you okay?”.

“Yeah, why? Alright gotta make sure the baby monitors on”.

“It’s already on” Merlin drawled. “Anything you want to tell me?”.

“No” Morgana narrowed her eyes at him. “Why?”.

“We should talk”. Merlin turned of the TV and sat normally. “I heard what you said”.

“Elaborate” Morgana snapped as she sat up straight. “What did you hear?”.

“You said that no one cares. It isn’t true. Lots of people care. I care, Morgause cares”.

“Well everyone sure has a strange way of showing it” Morgana snapped. “And I don’t believe you. You tried to poison me”.

“It was an accident!” Merlin exclaimed. “I didn’t know you were allergic to peanuts”.

“Well if you told me I was the vessel for the spell then I gladly would’ve taken the poison myself. But no, you had to listen to that twat of a dragon”.

“It’s 2019! The only dragons around now are the ones in game of thrones”.

“It’s so confusing Merlin” Morgana sighed. “Arthur had postpartum depression. Did you see that? He instead bonded with the other kids and the fact that his daughter didn’t survive”.

“Daughter?” Merlin frowned. “He never said he had a daughter”.

“He does” Morgana shrugged. “You know what the last words he ever said were? ‘I’m supposed to have a daughter but I don’t cause Sophia killed herself and the baby went too’. _Those_ , were Arthur’s last words”.

Merlin gasped. “He was supposed to have a daughter?”.

“Apparently so” Morgana sighed. 

“Come here” Merlin said as he embraced her while she sobbed. He did too, not that she could see. So much loss had happened and so much had happened that it felt like fifty years had passed yet not at the same time. And exams were on. _Lovely_ old exams. 

“I want to tell you something” Merlin said. 

“Okay” Morgana sniffed as she rubbed at her eyes. 

“I know this place doesn’t feel like home. Yet home isn’t a place, it’s where the heart is, and, I want to work on that. I want to make this place a home”.

“Me too” Morgana whispered. 


	10. Chapter 10

**When you’re in the half light, it is not you I see. And you live a half life, you only show half to me.**

_31st May 2019_

“Is there anything you’re keeping?” Morgana asked as she piled the majority of Arthur and Gwen’s things into bin bags. 

“I’ve already gotten everything I want” Merlin sighed. “You?”.

“Already have it all” Morgana said quietly. “Well, you taking it all to the charity shop?”.

“Yeah. So we should unpack then Harry Potter after?”.

“Okay” Morgana agreed. “Prisoner of Azkaban”.

“It’s on” Merlin smiled. “Good luck with the baby”.

“I’ll need it” Morgana muttered as she looked over to him. He had pulled himself up on the sofa and was chewing on it while he jumped up and down. “At least I can make the formula”.

“Touché” Merlin smirked. “Anyway, I’ll be back soon”.

“Good. If you want to watch Harry Potter then be quick. I don’t know how long I can stand to look at those sodding clangers for”. She briefly looked at the TV—CBeebies was on with Clangers while they made that _strange_ ass noise and Amhar happily giggled at it. 

“In the night garden is so much better” Merlin agreed. 

“Don’t” Morgana groaned as she put her head in her hands. “The theme tune makes me cry”.

“I’ll get some ice cream then” Merlin promised as he loaded all the bags into the car and went off to the charity shops in Camelot. 

Amhar happily watched CBeebies while Morgana went around the kitchen and made up a bottle and put the baby to bed. After his bath and bedtime bottle he quickly settled so Morgana relaxed on the sofa with a glass of wine while she watched Netflix—opting for the funeral episode of Friday Night Dinner until Merlin returned thus starting Harry Potter. They were happily watching as they munched on popcorn or ice cream straight from the tub. 

“We should probably unpack” Merlin commented as the film had ended. 

“Of course” Morgana agreed. “Let’s get on with it then”. The boxes were piled around the house as they began to unpack—many of their old things such as books and plates. While a part of them wanted to keep all of Arthur and Gwen’s things, most of their belongings had gone up into the loft while they decided what to do while their clothes had gone to the charity shop. While a lot of the things may have seemed generic—plates, cutlery and books—for Merlin and Morgana it made the world of difference as they settled in. 

“Looks rather nice” Merlin remarked as they looked around the house. With a mixture of their own belongings and some of Arthur and Gwen’s it had begun to feel like home. 

“It does” Morgana agreed. “Right, now to unpack the clothes”.

“Are we splitting half and half?” Merlin checked. 

“Of course” Morgana rolled her eyes. “There’s not many other ways we can do it”.

“You’re right” Merlin muttered as he opened up one of the boxes and piled Morgana’s clothes on to the bed. 

“Stop unpacking my things” Morgana frowned with a scoff as Merlin went through her things. “I know I’m lazy but I’m not _that_ lazy”. 

“I’m being nice” Merlin shrugged as he reached into the box. “What the fuck is this?” He asked no one in particular as he felt something long smooth and silicone. Intrigued as to what it was, Merlin pulled it out and looked on in horror as what he saw. 

“Merlin” Morgana hissed as she took her toy back and hid it in a drawer. 

“Was Alvarr really that bad?” Merlin chuckled as he watched her hide the vibrator. 

“He sure was” Morgana muttered. “Not that it matters. I mean I don’t even talk to him”.

“It’s a miracle he turned up at the funeral” Merlin agreed as he went to unpack his own things. They opted it was best to unpack their own things after the embarrassment that had just occurred. They happily went on unpacking their belongings by themselves until they were interrupted by the doorbell ringing. 

“Which arsehole had the audacity to come over at this time of night?” Morgana groaned. 

“Probably your sister” Merlin muttered. “Isn’t she coming back from the Bahamas today?”.

“Yeah?” Morgana shrugged. “Although her flight wasn’t due to land until ten. It’s only nine”.

“Probably not then” Merlin agreed. “I’ll see who it is then”. Merlin trudged down the stairs and opened the door. “Who the fuck are you?”. He watched cautiously as some tall dark stranger grinned at the door. 

“I am Guinevere’s brother, Elyan” he grinned. “Where is she? On a date with a prat?”.

“Dead” Merlin replied. “I suppose you’d ought to come in then”. 

“When did that happen?” Elyan frowned in horror. “How?”.

“We didn’t even _know_ she had a brother” Morgana retorted as she walked down the stairs. 

“I was at the wedding” Elyan shrugged. “Morgana isn’t it? Arthur’s baby sister”.

“Yes cause I’m always the baby sister” Morgana rolled her eyes. “Pathetic. Where have you been the last Jesus knows how many years?”.

“Travelling” Elyan replied. “Around the world”.

“Too busy to keep in touch with your family?” Merlin retorted. 

“Yes, actually” Elyan replied. “I just wanted to check in to tell Gwen some things. I’m in England for three months and then I’m moving to Thailand”.

“Congratu-fucking-lations” Morgana rolled her eyes. “Oh and bye the way—you have a nephew”.

“That’s nice” Elyan smiled. “Well anyway I have to get off soon, lots to do. See you around”.

“Bye” Merlin and Morgana muttered as they closed the door. They briefly looked at each other and burst out laughing. 

“What was that all about?” Merlin laughed. 

“I have no idea” Morgana agreed. “Although I think I can vaguely remember him. I can’t be sure”.

* * *

_1st June 2019_

“Pinch punch, first day of the month, no returns” Merlin grinned as he ran off. 

“Slap and kick for being too quick” Morgana retorted as she chased after him and jumped on him after kicking him. 

“Mama!” Amhar smiled as he watched the ordeal form the floor. “Mama! Dada!”.

“Did he just say?!” Merlin beamed as he picked Amhar up. “You just said dada!”.

“And he said Mama first” Morgana smirked. 

“Mama!” Amhar beamed as he stretched towards Morgana. “Mama!”.

“Mamas boy” Merlin rolled his eyes. “Anyway the post is here. Be right back”. Merlin quickly returned with the post. An official document. Merlin sat down with Morgana as they opened it. The death certificate. It was verified that Gwen had ultimately died of internal injuries while Arthur had a head injury given that the airbag had failed to blow up on impact, and also that Arthur was on antidepressants for postpartum depression. 

“Stupid fucking airbags” Morgana sighed as she punched the table. “Why did the stupid fucking airbag not explode? Just _why_ ”.

“I don’t know” Merlin sighed. “The stupid car. Stupid fucking car”.

“What’s the other letter then?” Morgana sighed as she wiped her tears. 

“Well the insurance money has come through” Merlin sighed.

“Great, we’re fucking rich” Morgana rolled her eyes. “Now what?”.

“Let’s do a holiday” Merlin shrugged. “We certainly need one”.

“What, and take the baby?” Morgana scoffed. 

“Why not?” Merlin shrugged. “Let’s do it then”.

“Which one then” Morgana laughed. “UK based at least. We aren’t going on a plane with a baby”.

“Butlins” Merlin suggested. “Seeing as we have a baby”.

“Not enough trees” Morgana frowned. “Center Parcs. The Longleat one ain’t far and it’s rather big”.

“Let’s go for it then” Merlin agreed. 

“You’re going to fucking Center Parcs!” Morgause cackled down the phone as Morgana explained the situation. 

“It looks good” Morgana replied as she scrolled down on the website. “Sauna and spa. Crèche for the kid. We’re hiring bikes and whatnot”.

“Brilliant” Morgause laughed. “Aw it’s like you’re a couple with a baby. It’s _cute_ ”.

“We’re not a couple” Morgana scoffed. “Just raising him together”.

“Sure” Morgause smirked. “I’ll just say remember the condoms”.

“Fuck off” Morgana frowned. “We requested twin beds not a double so... Anyway, I’ll have to head of soon”.

“First step!” Morgause continued. “This is adorable. Everyone knows it starts of with a good ol’ Center Parcs break”.

“I’d rather have Alvarr take it up the arse than sleep with him at Center Parcs” Morgana snorted. 

“So you’re a Mumsnetter then” Morgause mused. “This is going well”.

“Isn’t it supposed to be your birthday soon?” Morgana asked. 

“It is” Morgause smirked. “Cenred’s taking me up the Oxo Tower”.

“Ew” Morgana cringed. “I’ll leave you to it then”.

“Bye!” Morgause smiled. “You know you love me”.

* * *

Elyan came back the following day and met Amhar, before he had to go back to London doing god knows what. Over the next week it did indeed begin to feel like a home after all. 

“It does feel like home” Morgana smiled as she rocked sleeping Amhar in her arms on the sofa. 

“Yeah?” Merlin smiled. “I think so too. Do you know what else feels like home?”.

“Do tell” Morgana smiled as she ruffled Amhar’s hair. 

“You” Merlin smiled as he kissed her forehead. 

They may have seemed okay on the outside. Yet on the inside it wasn’t. The anger. Sadness. The guilt. The guilt of surviving while Arthur and Gwen hadn’t. Not wanting to believe it was true. How could they be gone? Just how? They’d come too far to go back. They just wouldn’t be able to come back from this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it obvious I hate clangers?!


	11. Chapter 11

**Sometimes I feel like giving up but I just can’t; it isn’t in my blood**

_3rd June 2019_

The first week of June after half term as per every year had brought around exam week. While normally it would be rather stressful it was all the more worse with Arthur and Gwen—meaning many found it hard to concentrate and thus revise. Morgana was angry. Angry with Merlin, angry with the baby for refusing to sleep, angry with Geoffrey for not cancelling exams, angry with the car company seeing as the airbags didn’t work. Angry with everything. 

She noticed Merlin was in a bad mood too. Muttering to himself about how it was all just a bad dream and any minute now they’d come walking in the door, Arthur yelling at him for no one knows what. Yet it didn’t happen. It didn’t. And Merlin wanted it to happen yet it just _didn’t_. He kept going on about how with no Arthur, he simply had no destiny. Yet he had to go on. Dragging himself out of bed every morning and going to work. The stages of grief had moved along and Merlin knew he had hit depression. It simply all felt pointless. It began with the denial—refusing to believe it happened, then the anger—anger at all this happening, Arthur for dying and leaving him to raise the baby, Amhar for being fussy, Morgana for ... well, surviving. And while he couldn’t hold that against her and he hated himself for feeling that way, he still _felt_ that way. The bargaining. It didn’t last long. And now the depression. 

Morgana _hated_ driving. Absolutely hated it. Ever since the crash she was reluctant to go in cars yet as of late it was worse. The five stages of grief. Denial. Anger. She was so fucking angry, all the time. Then the bargaining. Promising how she’d never sleep with Alvarr or cut again, maybe even being ok with Merlin. How if she wasn’t pregnant and as sick as she was she would’ve been able to react quicker. She had saved the baby, but she hadn’t saved her _own_ baby. The stages of grief were bad enough separately yet when merged together it simply was too much. Too much to handle. 

The beareavent counsellor wasn’t much help. While it was good to simply unload it was otherwise _useless_. Merlin continued to go to those sessions to Morgana’s relief as she was able to continue with her bad habits. She knew they were bad yet she couldn’t stop. She just _couldn’t_. Then the bargaining simply wouldn’t work. She’d abstained from sex. Abstained from drinking. Even cutting. Until it was obvious that the bargains wouldn’t work and she soon fell down the hole of depression just as exam week begun, not that things could get any worse. Morgause was all happily and tanned talking about her trip to Barbados or wherever the hell she went. 

Invigilating was extremely dull. _Extremely_ dull, especially in the first few sessions seeing as she didn’t have anything to mark. Technically she _could’ve_ marked some things from before half term yet she was on sick leave therefore didn’t have to. It wasn’t like she could sleep anyway. Each form was in its own classroom and they would have to invigilate—making sure to keep an eye on the pupils to make sure nobody was cheating. In the fourth form there was an array of subjects being taken thus a large range of what exams would need to be taken so they’d have to make sure nobody was communicating either. 

_Numb_. Merlin wasn’t sure how to feel apart from _numb_. He was tired of just sitting there watch and making sure nobody had cheated on an exam. Although it was rather difficult with hardly any sleep and it was somewhat easier after lunch time seeing as he was now able to mark some papers from earlier that day. 

“Well that was fucking exhausting” Morgana sighed as she chucked her bag down on the table in Merlin’s classroom. “I’m knackered”.

“Me too” Merlin agreed. 

“Oh by the way, I’m going to the gym. Pick me up at half five?”.

“Okay” Merlin shrugged. “So I’m on dinner duty”.

“Of course” Morgana smirked. “Good luck with the baby”.

“At least baby food is already made” Merlin agreed. “Just squeeze it onto a spoon”.

“And I’m heading off, have fun” she winked. 

* * *

_5th June 2019_

Another long day spent invigilating. Merlin was absolutely exhausted—the baby wasn’t sleeping so they brought him into their bed yet they didn’t want to squash him so ended up spending half the night awake anyway. And Morgana was always on the phone scrolling away for half the night. He had begun to mark many of the exam papers—it was now Wednesday and so half way through exam week—half the papers had been done so far. And insomnia was great for marking papers as Merlin and Morgana found out over a bottle of wine while Amhar slept in their bed instead of his cot. 

Morgana knew that exam stress could be extremely bad. She herself had been stressed back when she had taken her a-levels and GCSE’s. As she was collecting in the exams, she noticed Harriet looking rather stressed and quietly told her to stay behind after everybody left, which she did. 

“I’m just so fucking fed up!” Harriet sighed as she slammed her hand on the table. “It used to be not sleeping. And now, well there’s that sodding castle with Mr Pendragon and Mrs Smith and you and—and—Mr—Emrys, and I—I just — can’t—“. She broke off as she began to intake shallow breaths rather quickly. 

“Harriet, okay sit down” Morgana said. Having had panic attacks as a child she often was able to recognise the signs of one. “It’s okay. Breathe in ... and out”.

“Stupid fucking _panic attack”_ Harriet muttered. “Again, coming on for no reason!”.

“Harriet, can I tell you something?” Morgana checked. 

“Of course”.

“I had a panic attack this morning” Morgana sighed. “They’ve been happening rather frequently whenever I have to go in a car. While during the first few days after the car crash when I was released from hospital, I was terrified. Absolutely terrified”.

“I’m so sorry” Harriet gasped. “I forgot about the crash. Must’ve been terrifying”.

“I’ve learnt to live with it” Morgana shrugged. “How have the nightmares been?”.

“They well...they’re worse. Every night. I was knighted, Mordred or something I don’t know. There were tents. Lots of them. You demanding to know who Emrys was. Saying about how you had no use for me anymore and then I made you fly off. Then I _killed_ Mr Pendragon, only for him to get up and kill me...and now, he’s dead in real life and it is all settling in and I don’t know _how_ to deal with this”.

Morgana leant back in her desk chair as she pushed her hands onto her face. She didn’t want to believe it. She kept convincing herself that it wasn’t true, just a mere coincidence. Harriet was sweet and innocent, there was no way she was Mordred even if the dreams did point it that way. 

But then if Harriet wasn’t at all like Mordred, there was hope yet. Not much of it—yet _hope_. 

“What’s gotten you looking so frazzled?” Morgause remarked with a frown as Morgana walked into her room. 

“You know about Harriet?” Morgana checked. Morgause nodded. “I think it is true...I’m pretty sure of it”.

“That she’s Mordred?” Morgause asked not bothering to look up from her book. 

“Yeah” Morgana sighed as she sat down. “I don’t want to believe it. I don’t want to. I can’t. Yet the way things are going on, well...”.

Morgause slammed her book shut and looked over at Morgana. “Sister chat”.

“Yeah?” Morgana asked uncertainly. Her sister could be strange at the best of times let alone the worst.

“Now, Arthur and I were acting weird about you and Merlin dating at first because of the past. And now look at you!”.

“Frenemies raising a baby”.

“Look—“ Morgause continued. “It might seem as though things are in a bad way and that nothing can change them. Yet still, the past is in the past and we can only learn from it. We can only _learn_ from our mistakes as we keep on growing”.

“So you’re saying?” Morgana realised. 

“That maybe things will work out. Everything happens for a reason and things may seem tough now but they will settle down”.

“Sure” Morgana raised an eyebrow. “Look at you all inspiring”.

“It’s _fate_!” Morgause protested. 


	12. Chapter 12

**All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put me back together again**

_10th June 2019_

Morgana woke up feeling absolutely freezing not to mention like death itself. A sore throat and runny nose, accompanied with a strange fever of sorts. Hay fever season.

“Don’t you think you ought to get checked out?” Merlin asked. 

“No” Morgana snorted. “It’s only 38°. I’ll just take some paracetamol”. Given that 38°C wasn’t _that_ high she drove into work. While at going into work she had felt fine, yet over the course of the day she began to feel generally unwell and more tired, taking a nap in her free period. 

The shrill loud sound of her phone interrupted—the nursery

“Amhar is unwell. You’ll need to come pick him up”.

“Okay” Morgana sighed. “I’ll be over”. Morgana quickly arranged cover and then had to take him for an emergency GP appointment since he had some red blotches on his hand, feet and mouth.

“You’re going to have to quarantine your entire household for ten days” the doctor said as he put Amhar back on the bed and stepped back to wash his hands. “He has hand foot and mouth disease”.

“Quarantine!” Morgana exclaimed. “Fucking hell. For ten days!”.

“That’s right” the doctor confirmed. 

“And hand foot and mouth is still a thing in 2019” Morgana frowned. 

“And you still have to quarantine” the doctor repeated. “It’ll clear up by itself but otherwise you have to stay at home for ten days. Perfectly normal in toddlers and babies”.

“Right...thank you” Morgana muttered as she put the baby in his pushchair and walked out. She drove home quickly and texted Merlin. ‘ **We’re in quarantine [one eyebrow raised emoji] since Amhar had hand foot and mouth disease. The whole household, for ten days or until the spots clear up. I got a doctors note so don’t worry. And get Calpol, ibuprofen and the baby milk”.**

Merlin accidentally had gotten the SIXPLUS Calpol instead of infant’s Calpol and the first infant milk instead of follow-on. At least it’s 2019 so they could order some online—yet otherwise found it to be quite boring. Being stuck as home all day sucked—and they had to try to get temporary cover teachers for both of them. 

“Oh boo fucking hoo” Merlin muttered with a snort. “Have you seen this? Trump says he didn’t know Meghan Markle was nasty now Harry’s avoiding Trump”.

“Ridiculous” Morgana rolled her eyes. “I mean I don’t like Trump _at all,_ but he does somewhat have a point”.

“You’re not wrong” Merlin agreed. 

“But, it should’ve been me” Morgana smirked. 

“Harry’s never going to be king anyway!” Merlin exclaimed with a chuckle. 

* * *

_15th June 2019_

“Do you ever bloody eat?” Merlin asked with a frown. “I mean, you literally had a kid-sized apple for breakfast!”.

“I _do_ eat” Morgana insisted. “I just throw it back up”.

“That’s not normal” Merlin raised an eyebrow. “Which is why I booked you a doctors appointment”.

“We’re in quarantine!” Morgana protested. 

“For after quarantine. Besides seeing as you’re fainting all over the place I don’t think it’s normal”.

“If you say so” Morgana rolled her eyes. “It’s probably just a cold! Besides I’m waiting for my slapped cheek syndrome test results”.

“Yeah and I’m gay” Merlin sarcastically replied. 

“Congrats on coming out then”.

* * *

_18th June 2019_

Quarantine turned out to be OK in the end. While Amhar spent most of it babbling to himself and watching CBeebies while Merlin and Morgana were busy making progress. It was a rather unusual situation given that no teachers had had to self isolate before—let alone two living in the same household. If only they knew what the future would hold. 

The pair had tended to get on rather well even if they weren’t allowed to leave the house at all, finding themselves staying up late on the sofa as they watched horrors on Netflix until late into the night. 

“Hm, but she looks just like you!” Merlin exclaimed as he pointed at the tv. They were watching slasher—season 1 episode 8 and the brunette character—Sarah Bennet— had just stabbed the blond one—Cam Henry. 

“She looks nothing like me!” Morgana scoffed. “He looks rather like Arthur though”.

“So it’s fitting” Merlin joked. The jokes soon subsided as they remembered once more. Not that it was hard to forget. Yet they did tend to forget that the whole reason they were in that situation was because of Arthur and Gwen. 

“I’m gunna head to bed” Morgana announced. 

“Okay. I’ll get some work done. Don’t wait up”.

“I wasn’t planning to” Morgana sneered as she stomped up the stairs. 

* * *

_21st June 2019_

“So we’ve come along well with the end of year exams” Mithian announced. “I think we’re doing rather well in these difficult times”. Given that Morgana’s quarantine had finally ended they had a meeting during a free period in Morgause’s room. 

“I think so too” Morgause agreed. “There’s also a few of my students with extenuating circumstances yet they weren’t too far off what grades they want. Well technically everyone had extenuating circumstances but some had extra worse so”.

“That’s good” Mithian smiled. “So I’ve posted some ads for new English teachers and we have had some reply. The main one I’m interested in is Sefa Ruadan”.

“I know” Morgana smirked. “We used to go to school together. She did say about applying for the post”.

“Ah, we’re out of tea and coffee!” Mithian declared. “Morgause, please get us some”.

“I’m going for a fag first” Morgause said as she grabbed all the mugs and went from the room. 

“There’s something I ought to tell you” Mithian said as she turned to Morgana. 

“Of course. What is it?”.

“There’s no easy way to say this after all you’ve been through” Mithian sighed. “I’m pregnant”.

“Congratulations” Morgana smiled. “It’s nice to have some good news. When are you due?”.

“February, I only found out a few weeks ago”.

“That’s really good, congratulations”.

“Is it okay if you don’t tell anyone?” Mithian asked. “I only found out a few weeks ago and given that I’ve had a miscarriage before”.

“Of course” Morgana nodded. “I hope it works out”.

“You too” Mithian smiled as she squeezed Morgana’s shoulder. 

“While it _is_ nice to have this heart to heart” Morgause drawled as she opened the door. “But...look at the time. Come on, skedaddle. I have kids waiting”.

“Won’t be a moment” Mithian said as she began to pack up her things. 

“You look pale” Morgause commented. “Have you been eating enough?”.

“I told you, I’m fine” Morgana insisted as she stood up for a moment before crumpling to a heap on the floor. 

“Morgana!” Morgause called as she shook her sister. 

“I knew she wasn’t eating enough!” Mithian exclaimed. “Merlin said too”.

“Check what the NHS website says” Morgause said. “She’s breathing so that’s good”. The door was slammed open as a bunch of giggling girls walked in. Harriet and Lucy. 

“I really can’t be arsed it’s Friday afternoon” Lucy muttered 

“OH MY GOD!” Harriet shrieked. 

“It’s all good” Mithian insisted. “Morgause I think it’s time”.

“I’ll go use the school phone” Morgause sighed as she went to locate it. 

“Oh my god is Miss Pendragon going to die too!” Harriet shrieked. 

“No” Mithian shook her head. She noticed Morgana stirring slightly. “She’s fine. Probably anaemic”.

“Id be surprised if she wasn’t I mean have you _seen_ how pale she is” Lucy muttered. “—ouch”.

Morgana was surprised at waking up to machines and lights—but then again not at the same time. She had been falling asleep in random places lately. 

“She’s awake” she heard Merlin call. She checked her watch—after six?

“Mama!” Amhar shouted from the pushchair—the car one not the embarrassing one. So did Merlin drive her car then?

“Ah, good you’re awake” the nurse smiled. “I would say it’s nice to see you again, but it isn’t nice to see anyone in hospitals. We were sent your blood tests and it turns out you’re anaemic therefore need iron tablets”.

“Why do you look so serious?” Morgana scoffed. 

“You’re not eating and drinking enough and it’s beginning to impact your daily life, and it may soon become serious”.

“It’s because I still have the morning sickness and I keep throwing up!”.

“I’ll talk to the doctor about anti-sickness medication, then hopefully you’ll be able to gain back some weight”.

“Did I really loose a lot of weight?” Morgana frowned at Merlin. He would’ve said “ _I told you so_ ” if the circumstances weren’t so serious. He simply nodded instead. 

“I’m not well am I?” Morgana whispered. 


	13. Chapter 13

**But with the beast inside, there’s nowhere we can hide. No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed. This is my kingdom come, this is my kingdom come**

_28th June 2019_

“I am so sorry” Morgana apologised. At nine months old Amhar was at the prime age for separation anxiety and he _certainly_ was experiencing it. 

“Mama” Amhar wailed as he clung to Morgana. “Mama”. 

“It’s okay baby” Morgana soothed. “Bye-bye”.

“Mama!” Amhar repeated. 

“Time to go now” Morgana said in the baby voice. “Bye bye!”.

Amhar wailed and clung to Morgana as she passed him over to his key worker as he sobbed, she quickly walked out the nursery as she heard his cries and walked to the car. 

“Separation anxiety is tough isn’t it?” Kara smiled sympathetically. 

“Ah sorry! Didn’t see you there”.

“How are you? Haven’t seen you in a while” Kara commented. 

“Yeah not too bad. We had to quarantine because Amhar had hand foot and mouth so that was ... interesting”.

“Oh yes! Noah had that too. Quarantine with a baby is a _pain_. Never realised how much we actually left the house!” Kara exclaimed. 

“Same with us! Except Merlin, the buffoon—had bought the SIXPLUS calpol and newborn formula instead”.

“You know follow-on formula is a con, right?” Kara checked. “Marketing plot like all those extra added profutra shit in Aptamil, although if it’s cheaper for follow on its fine. All formula’s the same, except the Kendamil and SAINSBURYS one which don’t have palm oil”.

“So Merlin had the right formula all along!” Morgana exclaimed. 

“More or less” Kara shrugged. “Channel four did a dispatches documentary on formula. Also, if you half the amount of Calpol SIXPLUS it’s fine too, as it had double the amount of paracetamol than the baby one”.

“Parenting’s fucking confusing” Morgana chuckled. 

“You’ll get used to it” Kara smiled. “The first few weeks when Noah was born we were clueless! Had to ask the midwife how to change a nappy”.

“It was the same the first time Merlin and I babysat” Morgana agreed. “I had a falling out with him so he had to change the baby, he peed on his face”.

“Mike had that too” Kara laughed. “When was Amhar born?”.

“Thirteenth September 2018. Noah?”.

“Fourteenth” Kara grinned. “Maybe they can have a joint birthday party”. 

“That’s be nice” Morgana agreed with a smile. “Sorry I have to head to work. See you later?”.

“Sure” Kara smiled. “Number exchange?”. After they had exchanged their numbers they headed off to their jobs once more. For many years it was leisurely seeing as the exams were over and they only had over a week left until it was time for the summer holidays. In the afternoon there was a meeting from DofE bronze group. Given that they couldn’t properly scrub the trangia’s down during the expedition or fold up the tents properly, after leaving the tents to dry and scrub down the trangias which was rather hard for most of them—although tents were easy. Morgana ended up missing the bronze expedition given that it had clashed with quarantine.

Shortly after they had to distribute the group kit between the silver group seeing as they were due to leave in a couple of days—and (unlike bronze) as they had to get there extremely early in the morning it made more sense. 

* * *

_30th June 2019_

When Merlin woke up he heard Morgana grunting, muttering under her breath “stupid hair, just fucking work!”. He rolled over and checked his phone—four in the morning. Why on Earth was she awake so early? And why were the lights on? Merlin never slept with the lights on, neither did Morgana. He heard a cry over the baby monitor and walked across the hall to the nursery. As usual, Amhar stood up in the cot crying. 

“Mama” Amhar cried. “Mama!”.

Merlin rolled his eyes at the baby and took him out of the cot, before going towards the bedroom. 

“What are you doing?” Merlin chuckled. 

“Pig tail braids” Morgana replied. “I am almost done...hold on”.

“Mama” Amhar babbled as he wriggled in Merlin’s arms. “Mama”. Merlin put him down next to the bed. Amhar used the furniture to pull himself up—he had been doing that a lot as of late and even was walking while holding onto things; walking sideways like a crab often and he would walk with the push-along baby walker that they had at nursery. 

He hastily took a step, Merlin shouting “oh my god!” as he grabbed his phone and quickly got the camera up while Amhar grinned as he took another step towards Morgana. 

“Oh my god!” Morgana gasped. “You’re walking. Come here baby!”. Amhar gently fell onto his back in Morgana’s arms with a giggle and toothy grin, babbling “mama”.

“I got it!” Merlin exclaimed as he rewatched the video. “I got it!”.

“Let’s see” Morgana smiled as she watched the video. “Now he can come on DofE after all”.

“Just some hills” Merlin shrugged. “And 16km per day is it? He’ll love it”. 

“I think so too” Morgana agreed. “Now, I am going to give a _detailed_ step-by-step on how to make formula without making a complete and _utter_ mess”. After Amhar had his bottle he quickly went back to sleep, leaving Merlin and Morgana awake at the kitchen table. 

“Why _are_ you awake?” Morgana asked. 

“Honestly?” Merlin sighed. “I’ve been thinking”.

“About what?” Morgana frowned. 

“We just saw Amhar’s first steps... Amhar’s first word a few weeks back. It just doesn’t feel, well—fair”.

“I get it” Morgana agreed. “I mean, as his aunt I knew I’d _likely_ see many of these sort of things _anyway_ , but having it happen like this ... first steps at four in the morning, being the one to be called ‘Mama’, I mean, y’know?”.

“I know” Merlin nodded. “I know”.

“Are you going to go back to bed then?” Morgana asked. 

“Can’t be bothered” Merlin shrugged. Merlin stayed up with Morgana and watched as she kept packing and unpacking her backpack. She left at around quarter to seven as they had to leave before half seven so they could avoid traffic given it was a few hours up north. It wasn’t too bad and they arrived at the car park shortly after eleven thus beginning the expedition. It didn’t go too _badly_ in the end. Morgana was assigned to Lucy and Harriet’s group as group leader—and apart from arriving to camp late it went rather well even if Harriet did keep having nightmares and dreams about Camelot, although it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as Morgana had expected. 

After the expedition, Morgana drove to the graveyard given that it was on the way back to her new “home”. She quickly found Arthur and Gwen’s graves given that it was only recently that they had been buried. 

“Hey bro” Morgana greeted. “It’s uh ... been a rough few days. One of the pupils is probably Mordred and it’s so damned complicated. I don’t know how to deal with it”. She sighed as she looked down at her brother’s grave before she went to Gwen’s, reading her headstone. 

“ _The past doesn’t define you. Only now does. Don’t dwell on the mistakes, learn form them_ ”.

* * *

Merlin had had a rough few days to put it _lightly_. Amhar was teething, again and was rather fussy, cried whenever Merlin carried him and refused to sleep again unless he was in Merlin’s bed. He had to ask his mother to come down and help him with the baby given that he was being rather fussy most of the time—either crying or being grizzly when normally he was a rather happy baby. It turned out in the end that the baby was teething again—Hunith had frozen some strawberries and given them to the baby. While the first day was mired in chaos, in the end Merlin was getting on rather well with the baby, holding his hands as he walked and happily playing. 

Nonetheless, this didn’t exactly cheer Merlin up. He wasn’t sleeping too well, and often felt rather lost without Arthur. He had no destiny. Yet as he looked down at the baby who flashed him a toothy-gummy smile, he knew. Everything _would_ work out. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning self harm

**When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone. When you’re sure you’ve had enough of this life, hang on. Don’t let yourself go. Cause everybody cries, and everybody hurts sometimes**

_2nd July 2019_

“Well, that was good” Morgana sighed as she dumped her backpack on the ground and undid her hiking boots. “But exhausting. Man I’m knackered”. She made her way to the living room and sat down on the sofa. 

“Merlin’s out with a friend” Hunith said with a smile. “And Amhar’s being rather good. Gosh I will say, the Teletubbies have changed”.

“I know” Morgana agreed as she lay down. “They have babies! It is _adorable_ ”.

“I’d thought you’d say that” Hunith chuckled. “How was it?”.

“Exhausting ... but brilliant!” Morgana grinned. “No one was _badly_ lost which was a nice change, and everyone pretty much finished on time. Nice weather, except it was cold and lightly raining on Monday morning yet otherwise great”.

“I’m glad” Hunith smiled. “You should go take a bath or something and relax. I’ll do baby duty tonight”.

“Sure” Morgana agreed. “Merlin still unsure on how to use the formula?”. 

Hunith laughed and nodded. “My son is so clumsy!”.

“If you don’t mind—I’m going to head to bed early if that’s okay? I’ve been sleeping on the floor for two days so I’m a tad tired”.

“Go for it! You look tired” Hunith replied. Morgana went to the bedroom and ran herself a hot bath, texting Merlin ‘your mum’s here?!’ which he quickly replied to with ‘needed help with the baby’. As of late Merlin had been drinking a lot and Hunith had simply confirmed her suspicions. Yet she too was drinking quite a bit, sipping away at a glass of wine as she scrolled on Mumsnet. Seeing as she was _basically_ a parent now she could use all the advice she could get. 

Merlin stumbled into the bedroom. He hasn’t tended to drink much before Arthur and Gwen died yet found the bottle to be rather comforting lately. He had just been to the pub with Gwaine where they spent the evening downing some vodka shots.

“Are you drunk!” Morgana exclaimed. 

“Hm maybe” Merlin chuckled as he fell into bed. 

“You’re gonna hate yourself in the morning” Morgana muttered. 

“Jokes on me! I’ll hate myself in the morning no matter what, especially without my _destiny_!” Merlin retorted. 

“We have work! Fucking work! And unlike you I’m _very_ grateful for this bed so shut the fuck up and sleep. Anyway you do have a destiny, raising the baby with me”.

“All right buttercup” Merlin sarcastically replied. “I don’t see how raising a baby is a destiny”. 

“Shape his life, etcetera” Morgana shrugged. “Laying down foundations of life. Been a while since I did child development”.

“Night then”.

“Good fuckin’ night” Morgana retorted as she pulled the blanket off of Merlin. 

* * *

_3rd July 2019_

“Did we oversleep!” Merlin yelled as he checked his phone as he rolled out of bed. “OUCH THAT FUCKING HURT!”.

“Shuddup” Morgana whined as she put her head under the pillow. “Too early”.

“MAMA” Amhar shouted. “DADA”.

“The Prince awaits” Morgana grumbled. “So go see what he wants”.

“I’ve already done baby duty for three days, it’s your turn”.

“I’ll have you know I’ve slept on the fucking floor for three days! And it’s split parental rights, off you trot”.

“If I just” Merlin grumbled as he rolled out of bed. Shit. 8:01. Work was due to start at 8:30. “Morgana! We have work, like soon!”.

“Shit!” Morgana gasped as she began to take of her pyjamas and rummaged through the wardrobe. They ignored one another as they ran around to get changed. 

“Ooh isn’t it time for” Hunith said as she opened the door. While many people knew that Merlin and Morgana hated each other, Hunith wasn’t exactly aware of what exactly had transpired through the duo. Merlin was stood on one side on the bed as he pulled his boxers back on while Morgana was pulling her bra straps onto her shoulders. Bare arms. Red scars marring the pale skin. “Whoops” Hunith apologised with a grimace. “I just wanted to let you know I’ll take Amhar for the day, and you’ve got to be at work soon”.

“We know, mum” Merlin replied through gritted teeth. Morgana just lay on the floor next to the bed instead, mortified to move again. 

“She’s gone” Merlin sighed as he buttoned his shirt up. With Merlin sat inside the drivers seat and Morgana on the passenger seat, they briefly looked at each other before they burst out laughing. 

“That was awkward” Morgana laughed as Merlin began to drive towards work. 

“I know” Merlin agreed. “She probably thought we were having sex instead of getting ready”.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to look your mum in the face ever again!”.

“At least you had your bra on!” Merlin exclaimed. “I can’t believe she saw..”.

“Your mum saw your dick?” Morgana howled. “Fucking hell...that’s hilarious”.

“And mortifying. At least not much well, happened”.

“We have been in a rush for work” Morgana winked. “But maybe ... maybe another time?”.

“What are you saying?” Merlin asked. 

“That I want to give _us_ another try” Morgana confirmed with a small smile. 

* * *

  
“Morgana’s rather well..skinny” Hunith remarked. 

“Can we please not talk about this morning” Merlin groaned. Morgana was upstairs putting the baby down to bed, and Hunith was due to leave in the morning. 

“I’m not” Hunith protested. “But she’s definitely lost weight since the funeral. She is okay isn’t she?”.

“Mum, leave it” Merlin sighed. “It’s obviously tough. But hey, we’ll be okay”.

“And you, you’re drinking a lot” Hunith remarked. 

“Two glasses of wine and three beers a night” Merlin shrugged. 

“Which is way too much” Hunith continued. “What’s going on, Merlin? I’m your mother, please tell me”.

“Honestly mum” Merlin sighed. “It’s been hard. So much has happened in the last eighteen months and so much has changed that it’s unbelievable”.

“What happened eighteen months ago?” Hunith asked. 

“Let’s see ... Morgana and I’s memories returned”.

“Oh” Hunith said flatly. 

“Yes, oh” Merlin agreed. “And well, for a while things were tough. I accidentally well, ‘poisoned’ her, and things were shit as she then believed that I’d kill her. And then this happened so we’re stuck together”.

“You know what, Merlin? You need to let go of the past. Let go of it. But keep the lessons it taught you. Everything happens for a reason, but the future isn’t set in stone. You can change your future”.

“Thanks mum” Merlin smiled. “Rather inspirational”.

* * *

_4th July 2019_

Merlin and Morgana sat in the car in the car park of the graveyard that Arthur and Gwen were buried at. Amhar was happily babbling away in his car seat and Dylan was interacting with the baby as he played with his toys. Nine whole years. If Arthur and Gwen were alive they would’ve celebrated nine years of marriage today. 

They heard another car on the gravel and saw Elaine pulling up with the twins—unfolded the pushchair and strapped Amhar in as they met with the twins while Elaine waited in the car. 

“What the fuck is _that_?” Gideon laughed as he pointed as the pushchair. They had taken Merlin’s car and he had the weird looking dinosaur pushchair with teeth. 

“He chose it” Morgana shrugged as she pointed at Merlin.

“It’s _cute_!” Merlin protested. 

“I think so too” Leonardo agreed. “But a tad strange”. They walked through the graveyard until they found Arthur and Gwen’s grave. It had been almost two months since they died and there had (unfortunately) been many more funerals so their graves were more in the middle of the graveyard now. Not that they would forget where the graves were.

They spent some time with the boys before the twins had to go home as they had homework to do, and dropped Dylan off given that he had work in the morning. With the baby in bed, Merlin and Morgana browsed through Arthur and Gwen’s DVDs and debated over what to watch. It had to be a sad one—both of them were in the mood for a good cry given that today was the last full day of school—in the morning they’d have speech day and go home for lunch. 

They quickly agreed on Up! as even though it was a happy Disney film, it was rather good. “Married life” soon commenced, the scene appearing with the babies in the clouds as Ellie and Carl decorated the nursery, followed by them being told devastating news in the doctors office. 

“Why!” Morgana sobbed. “Why this is just like Arthur and Gwen”.

“It is” Merlin cried. “Wanting a baby. Miscarriages. Finding out that something is wrong with the baby when they finally are able to have one”.

“They didn’t even get to grow old together” Morgana sobbed as Ellie and Carl went up the hill and Ellie collapsed before being admitted to hospital. 

“This is too sad” Merlin said as he turned of the tv. Tears were streaming down his face. “Why oh why? They didn’t realise they were making memories, they just knew they were having fun”.

“I’m heading to bed” Morgana sighed. “You?”.

“Yeah, let me just grab a beer” Merlin replied. He grabbed two beers, drinking one downstairs and then another one upstairs as he waited in bed for Morgana to finish in the bathroom. 

“Merlin” she called. “Where’s my razor?”.

“I’m not telling you” Merlin replied as he eyed her arms. The scars were no longer bleeding yet still rather prominent. 

“Why?” Morgana challenged. 

“You know why” Merlin scoffed. 

“Let’s make a deal then” Morgana offered. “I won’t if you won’t”.

“But Morgana..”. 

“You can have a half pint of beer or one glass of wine each night. Or even better, don’t drink every night”.

“We’ve both got a fucking problem, haven’t we?” Merlin sighed. 

“We’re grieving” Morgana shrugged. “But I’m going to book myself a doctors appointment to see about antidepressants. I _suggest_ you do the same”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyhoo, I gave up on trying to navigate the tumblr website so bit the bullet and got it ... I’ll be back in approximately six years once I figure out how to use this new piece of technology 🤣🤣🤣 also if anyone is interested username is same as on here!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What time is it? Summer time!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentioned self harm

**When I’m ready to be bolder and my cuts have healed with time, comfort will rest on my shoulder and I’ll bury my future behind. I’ll always keep you with me, you’ll be always on my mind—but there’s a shining in the shadows—now I’ll never know unless I try.**

_5th July 2019_

“Well, I can’t believe it” Merlin remarked. “Last day of the school year”. Amhar had just been dropped off at nursery and they were sat in the car park. 

“Life goes on” Morgana shrugged. “Things may seem out of control etcetera but that just didn’t stop, well life. The world doesn’t stop turning no matter how shitty things get”.

“Did you get an appointment then?” Merlin asked. 

“Yeah, 1:45. You?”.

“Two o’clock” Merlin replied. “Well, we should head to work then”.

“Yeah” Morgana sighed. “Well, better get this last day done then”. As typical for speech day—before breaktime they put a movie on for their form alongside snacks like chocolate for them to eat during the movie—relaxing at work for the first time in a while. As usual, speech day commenced of speeches and awards being handed out and they soon decided which house would win the house cup, the green house in the end which was rather good as both Arthur and Morgana were in the green house while Merlin and Gwen were in the red house. As expected both Nimueh and Geoffrey had made speeches about Arthur and Gwen, so did some of the people in Gwen’s form and Arthur’s classes before they ‘named’ the memorial bench. 

“Well that was emotional” Merlin remarked. 

“I know” Morgana agreed. “Well, did you get many gifts?”.

“A _lot_ ” Merlin smirked. “I’m surprised to be fair. You?”.

“You’ll have to help me carry them all to the car” Morgana chuckled. 

“Aww, how sweet lovebirds” Morgause cackled as she barged between them and put a hand on each of their shoulders. 

“We’re not lovebirds” they both muttered. 

“Suit yourself” Morgause shrugged. “See ya around. Cenred and I are off to the Bahamas”.

“I thought you went there in half term?” Morgana frowned. 

“That was Barbados, keep up” Morgause rolled her eyes. “Anyway, I have to get my shit together and go. Flight leaves at nine!”.

“Have fun” Merlin offered uncertainly as the blonde retreated back to her classroom. “Now, help?”.

“Of course” Morgana smiled. After collecting all of Merlin’s things and putting them in the car, they stayed outside as they chatted to students for a short while given that it wasn’t yet “lunch time” so most students were still there as they spoke to their friends. As the bell rang followed by a cheer from the students and people rushing off to get their transport home, Merlin and Morgana stood and took a look around Merlin’s empty classroom. 

“It was Gaius’. Then mine. Now it’ll be yours” Merlin commented. 

“I know” Morgana sighed. “So empty, yet full of so much potential. From me anyway. Let’s get my stuff then we can get lunch and get to the doctors”. Morgana looked around her empty classroom. The two years she had spent teaching there had been great. Hard, yet great. Now it was all going to change. After getting all the gifts, and putting them in the car they made their way over to Gwen’s room. Empty. Completely empty. Gwen tended to keep her room colourful and bright yet as of late it was rather empty and dull. Typical for end of year—yet knowing that she’d never get back; that was what hurt the most. Arthur didn’t have a specific classroom—the labs were shared thus going straight to get lunch from McDonalds after seeing Gwen’s room. 

* * *

“So” the doctor said as Morgana sat down. “You’ve been having some problems ever since the death of your brother and sister-in-law died in a car crash, followed by a miscarriage, correct?”.

“That is correct” Morgana confirmed with a sigh. “It’s uh ... it’s been a struggle”.

“Well of course it is. Would you say you’ve been having trouble sleeping, feelings of anxiety?”.

“Yes, definitely” Morgana nodded. “I’ve often found that I have trouble sleeping or once I do sleep I have nightmares. Mostly I tend to get frequent panic attacks too”.

“Any suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself?”.

“I used to cut” Morgana admitted. “But I don’t anymore”.

“There are a few options” the doctor said. “You can go down the self help route which I’m assuming didn’t work?” Morgana nodded. “Or there’s the therapy or anti-anxiety medication route. Is there any preference you have?”.

“I have tried a bereavement support group but it was shit. I think the anti-anxiety medication route will be the best”.

“Okay, I’ll prescribe something for short term. Diazepam, then we can reassess in a few weeks”.

“Thank you doctor”.

While Morgana was prescribed anti-anxiety medication—Valium, Merlin was put on a “baby dose” of sertraline for a few months given that it could help with grief symptoms. 

They went to the Magic Horse with the baby in the buggy given that they’d all decided to meet for pub grub and snacks in the afternoon, sitting with the others at the table nursing a drink while to allowing him to walk and toddle around. 

“Life is so unpredictable” Morgana commented as they walked back to the car. 

“It sure is” Merlin agreed. “It’s amazing how so much can change your life. Even in just a mere few hours”. 

* * *

It was almost time for Amhar’s bedtime now and it had been a _long_ day. 

“Depression and anxiety time” Merlin joked. 

“Cheers” Morgana replied as they clinked glasses together and took their pills. 

“The night is black and the stars are bright and the sea is dark and green, oooh oooh ooh” the TV sang as In The Night Garden began to come onto the tv. Merlin glanced over to the TV—Amhar was stood in front of it with Morgana kneeling opposite the baby holding his hand. She cupped one of his hands with her own and put the finger of her other hand on top as she copied the TV. 

“And someone I know” Morgana said in time with the narrator. “Is safe and snug. And they’re drifting off to sleep. Round and round, a little boat no bigger than your hand. Out on ocean, far away from land. Take the little sail down and light the little night, this is the way to the garden in the night”.

“Merlin” Morgana called as she sat down on the sofa with the baby. “Can you make him a bottle?”.

“Sure” Merlin called back. “How much?”.

“Six ounces?” Morgana shrugged. They did tend to guess the baby’s feeds sometimes, they figured that he must’ve been getting enough seeing as he didn’t cry much and didn’t bring anything back up. 

Merlin sighed as he began to boil the kettle. Six ounces, six scoops, 180ml. He measured it carefully, levelling the formula scoops off with a knife, pouring two ounces of hot water on top, followed by the cold water and shook it. Hopefully for once the baby wouldn’t reject it. 

He passed the bottle to Morgana who smiled and popped it in the baby’s mouth, he happily took it and relaxed as he lay in Morgana’s arms. He sat down next to her watching it, he knew the “in the night garden theory” yet thought it wasn’t exactly fitting to tell her given the circumstances. 

“Is this the first time he’s accepted your bottle?” Morgana chuckled as the end credits began to roll in. She looked down at the drowsy baby and stood up. “Looks like he’ll fall asleep soon”.

“It does” Merlin smiled. “I take it you won’t need luck then?”. 

“Not tonight it appears” Morgana smirked. “Say night night dada”.

Amhar smiled yet lay there as Morgana took him up the stairs to his cot. So much had changed as of late that it felt like a lifetime had passed. Yet in some ways, it had. Camelot, Arthur as King with Gwen. Now the monarchy seemed to be in chaos, as the Daily Mail once more came up with Harry and Meghan and their kid’s _untraditional_ christening. 

While the first time he had poisoned her had resulted in years of loathing afterwards, and endless attempts on his life, things were rather stable as of late. Like many said, the future wasn’t set in stone, no matter what had happened in the past. _Maybe_ they _would_ find peace after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all for now! While this was certainly hard to write at times, this has been my personal favourite in the STAGES series. Part four is called STAGES OF LUST, rating will go up to a M and will post it on Monday. It’s snowing here finally!

**Author's Note:**

> *crawls out from under rock* I’m back! And this is where things really begin to take off, STAGES OF MIRTH was getting the basics and STAGES OF LOATHING was a bit of a fuller which ultimately lead up to this!


End file.
